Saturday, December 30, 2006

New erotic story posted

I added a new story with audio to Literotica.

I've gotten some interesting feedback on it, some enthusiastic, saying its my best so far, both highly erotic and soothing, while a couple have sent feedback saying it is prosaic and prurient, the audio sounding contrived.

I am enjoying both sorts of feedback.

This story, "All Five Coins" was a bit of an experiment. Over the past few months I'd gotten feedback asking for more stories and recordings, so I decied to put another one out there. I re-read a lot of the feedback I'd gotten on my various stories, and based on input, based on my knowledge of my 'audience', I wrote and recorded this one. It was a challenge to pare it down to bare essentials, to strip it of everything except what was needed to create an arousing vignette that captured a brief moment in time. There is very little plot, almost no character development. It is all action. The kind of smutty action people read naughty stories for.

It was an interesting experiment, and for the most part, I am pleased with the result. Putting in the beach sounds was an interesting effect to attempt, but I'm getting a handle on the mixing recording software I picked up. And as for the rest of the audio, well, it was fun, but I am definitely not a porn voice-over artist :) I'm a bit embarrassed acting out the sounds of pleasure, etc, and because of that, of course, and because I am reading a story after all, it does sound a bit contrived to me, I will admit. But for all that, it seems to have hit the target I was aiming for.

I will write the next one for a slightly different audience, I think... we'll see.

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Saturday, December 23, 2006

2006: The year of love and friendship

In the past year, especially, I've learned the value of open and honest communication, and more, of putting myself out there emotionally and being vulnerable. My awareness of the world and my inner life has deepened with both therapy and my meditation practice. I've had some insights and put into effect some changes in my life and I've found that my ability to relate with others has increased dramatically. Yes, in putting myself out there, I risk emotional pain, but life is as transient and uncertain as it is beautiful , and I've realized that if I'm unwilling to embrace the possibility of negative consequences, I'm not really living my life--I'm playing it safe.

These flowers are from a friend I've made this year. A wonderful man of intelligence, wisdom, and kindness whom I never would have met if it was not for the changes I've made in my life this year--of my choice to take risks, to be spontaneous, to follow my intuitions.

A retrospective of 2006:
I am, mostly, well. 2006 was a tough year--My sister spent January through September in and out of the hospital and I did a lot of travelling back and forth to Massachusetts. She seems to have stabilized, but the medical estabilishment says it will be another year before they know what the lasting effects of the illness will be, and if she will require convalescent care for the rest of her life. We did not think she would make it to her 37th birthday, but she is a stubborn wench and surprised us all.
Work has been awful--so short-staffed that I was asked to stay on even after I offered to resign because I was having to leave for MA for weeks on end and at a moment's notice.

And yet, for all that, it has been a great year, too. I've been dating some amazing men, completed two years of counselling/therapy, seen friends and family, and done a fair bit of travelling. I am participating in an ecstatic dance group, have been exploring tantra and intimacy, and I've been developing my abilities as a writer and a photographer with the encouragement of professionals in both fields.

This year my friendships have deepened, and I've learned just how secure a support system I have. I've learned that I don't always have to be 'strong' and that it takes more courage to lean on others than it does to be the one others lean on. I've learned that I can feel fear without embodying it. As a consequence of my sister's illness, which was partly brought on by self-neglect, I've come to the realization that I need to learn to live in and with my body--to fully inhabit it--rather than driving it, or using it as a tool. The seat of my self-awareness and the source of my connection with reality are my flesh and my senses, and neglecting to care for my body means that there will likely come a day when it is unable to furnish my needs.

And so, while I am not the sort of person who participates in the New Year's Resolution ritual, I am committed to making 2007 the year I make peace with my body, learning to inhabit it fully, ceasing to use it as a shield between me and a world whose attentions I'd become so averse to.

I am off to the Coast for the weekend for a quiet retreat in a little 1920's cottage, where I can recuperate from 50 to 60 hour work weeks to the sound of wild surf and blustry winds. I expect to sit by the fire, read, watch movies, and enjoy the opportunity to write and photograph.

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

compassion begins at home

Mind-chatter runs like a superhighway
over the ebb and flow of the unconscious
Day packed with intentions of activity
waylaid by exhaustion's pall and mantra
tired, tired, so tired
Over arms loaded with lavender scented laundry
I see Buddha smiling compassionately from his lotus
a position I have not mirrored in weeks
Daily life folded away into neat squares
I stand under stinging shower spray
then move, naked and dripping, to the altar
with an offering of the last begonia flower
Nag champa incense curls in the air
I bathe myself a moment in the smoke,
bow, and settle bare bottom on the carpet,
spine straight and arms loose
to practice concentration and mindfulness,
samadhi and sati
feather and sledgehammer duel
feather rises as sledgehammer falls
consciousness floats
takes wing
rises again
bobbing on the river of metta
One-pointed and aware
I ease into a new mantra
may I be free from exhaustion
may I be free from frustration
may I be fulfilled in my work
may I be blessed with good health
praticing compassion where it does the most good
on myself, on myself
How can I hope to achieve for others
what I cannot achieve for myself?
The greatest act of selflessness
is mindfulness of self
metta, metta, metta
compassion begins at home

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Saturday, December 09, 2006

Dream remembered

I was scaling a cliff. It was a limestone cliff, very friable, very much like one I had scaled years ago, back in Colorado.
The finger- and toe- holds kept crumbling, and I should have stopped and made my way back down, but I didn't.
I wanted to get to the top.
I was getting very tired and wishing for a chance to rest when I got to this ledge. I kept trying, but I couldn't get a good grip to pull myself up. It just kept breaking and crumbling away in my fingers, and I was terrified I would fall.
And N. was suddenly there somehow.
He said, "Give me your hand,"
And I said, "No, I'm afraid we'll both fall."
"Give me your hand," he said. "Trust me."
And so I did. He pulled me up on the ledge and I hugged him and laughed, giddy with relief...
And then he put his arms around me and stepped off the edge!
But we only fell for a few seconds and then we were soaring... and then we were in space, floating in the darkness.
Out there with the stars. They were so achingly beautiful, the galaxies and the nebulae, and he named them all for me... I could see them and feel them with my whole body.
I could feel the starlight tickling my skin. I felt so alive!
And suddenly I was 25 and skydiving again, hamming it up, loving the floating/falling feeling, so exciting, so primal, and knowing I was safe because N. had packed my parachute.

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Sunday, December 03, 2006

Lost a bet!

Nasturtium climbing a tree (c) Kayar Silkenvoice 2006I awakened this morning to a glorious sunrise. The sky was rose and gold, and the light poured into my room, which faces east/northeast. I put on my robe and went outside to photograph it, but the forest nearby obscured it too much, and I was still too sleepy to consider driving to a better vantage point. So I went back inside and watched the display until it was replaced by the bold blue sky, and went back to sleep. What a luxury.

I worked 6 days this past week, over 60 hours. I'm tired. I woke up tired. And I'll do it again this coming week. The joys of the accounting field and end of the year. What keeps me going is knowing that in 8 weeks I get my life back, and in 10 - 12 weeks, I'll do my birthday vacation in some form or another. In another month or so I should probably decide what, if anything, I'll be doing. Last year I went to Key West. The year before that, Siletz Bay, and the year before that Litha Springs. Some days its good to have that light at the end of the tunnel to work towards.

I lost a bet this weekend. I never bet unless I'm certain I'm right. And I was certain. But I was wrong. Ah well. I should know better than to bet against M, but I didn't mind really, since it was a win-win situation. Not that I mind losing this bet, which entails me going to San Francisco instead of him coming here. We didn't agree on a date or a duration prior to making the bet, which is good, as I'll not really get to breathe again until mid-January, and that weekend I've already got plans lined up, much to his dismay.

I'm working on a naughty story, almost got it finished. Its been a while since I did nay writing and it feels good to get those creative erotica juices flowing again.

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