Thursday, March 30, 2006

PMS and feeling rather Domme

It appears that I was PMSing this weekend, and did not realize it until Sunday morning. Two months in a row. Grr. I hope this does not become a regular thing. Being on the Pill is, as I predicted to Dr Lewis, causing PMS. The rapid drop in hormone levels as a result of ending my cycle is acting as an amplifier for whatever I am feeling at the moment, making it more of a challenge to remain rational and in control. Especially when I do not realize what is happening. I am always feeling very sexual at the end of my cycle, and there is something about PMS that makes me more aggressive. I actually called Chris yesterday. Thank god he was not home. I have a feeling that having sex with him just because I wanted to fuck would have been a giant step backwards for me with regards to my quest for the union of emotional intimacy and my sexuality.

I'm feeling much calmer now, but still sexually keyed. I'm feeling very domme. I have this urge to tie a man up and make him beg. It is interesting to learn what makes a man malleable, be it pleasure, pain, or fear. I think men reach the surrender point sooner than women do. Women are more flexible, but in many ways, they are indomitable. They will surrender, but there is something you cannot penetrate, something at their core you cannot touch. I think it is this place from which women draw the strength to bear the suffering of childbirth, and it is this core that makes women so elusive and so difficult to 'break'. But men, now, men are wimps when it comes to pain or any kind of suffering, and they tend to surrender to the illusion of submission much more whole-heartedly. In my experience, it is a lot more work to dominate a woman than it is a man. Women don't often buy into that illusion. If they are going to surrender, its going to be to the real thing. So you'd better be a real Top, or its just play-acting, and something in her will despise you for your weakness.

Lots of memories lately, of my years at college and women and sex, and MR. Poor MR. Or lucky MR, depending on the perspective. He did look scared when I found him in Kat's bed. And I made him pay, yes, he was tied up and begging until he was hoarse, not because I was jealous or angry, but because he felt guilty. He felt he'd done something wrong, and therefore he had, and he wanted to be punished, and we both knew it. What an amazing thing, that line between pleasure and pain, and the thrill of comingling the two. Mmm, yes, it has been way too long.

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

a thought on happiness

this is an audio post - click to play

I think sometimes doing the right thing isn't necessarily the right thing to do. Especially when it comes to Happiness, which is so subjective, because Happiness is, was, and will always be the ultimate end toward which every human being strives. I am reminded of what Oscar Wilde said: When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.

I think right now I'll go do what makes me happy: I'm going to masturbate. Release all that tension from a long day at work.

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Attention and Intimacy

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"Attention is the essence of our practice, the teaching of all our ancestors. Incomplete attention is diffused and from there you wander into your old cycles of preoccupation. Come back to your sharp attention. This is the way of intimacy. Without attention there can be no intimacy."
--Robert Aitken Roshi

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Sunday, March 26, 2006

Dream Lover and me on a cruise

this is an audio post - click to play

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Confession of a cynical mystic

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Sometimes I think we humans have access to all there is to know, but we haven't learned to tap it...

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Hetero Amity

this is an audio post - click to play

What a painful thing it is to realize that I live in a world (or perhaps I should say, a society, since it really is hubris to use 'world' when my experience of it is so small) that devalues friendship. Friendship is a source of love and acceptance and communion. And yet, women are encouraged to see other women as mere competitors, and men as potential providers and mates. And men, they are encouraged to develop the same mindset. Their male friends are buddies with whom they jokingly compete, and women are objects to be desired. So it seems that friendships between men and women, even in this post-sexual revolution era, are awkward and easily discouraged. This, despite the fact that friendships between men and women provide amazing benefits. Men can express to women the thoughts and feelings that they would never express to other men, the thoughts and feelings that society considers weak and unmanly, and have them validated. And women, knowing economic independance and reproductive choice, can go to men with their thoughts and ideas, not as beggars and dependants, not merely tolerated as objects of sexual gratification, but appreciated as intellectual equals. Today, when a man and a woman meet in friendship, it is possible for us to meet as people, to touch the humanity in each other, to enjoy the exchange between different-yet-same that results in us receiving from each other something that could not have come from within us. And yet, conventional wisdom states that men and women cannot be friends, that sex gets in the way. What a sad thing that is. In my experience, the sexual tension only gets in the way if it goes unacknowledged. I am female, you are male, we are hetero. We could form a sexual union. Or not. But sex is not the root of our affinity, or is it? Ah, the power of a question that does not require an answer. It is enough simply for us to be aware, awake, open, perceptive, inquisitive. The answers, like the questions, come in their own time. One day, I hope the answer to the question "why can't men and women be friends?" will be moot.

Regardless, I'll continue with my hetero amity.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

sensual vs. sexual; experienced vs. promiscuous

this is an audio post - click to play

For me, the sexual is an expression of the sacred, it is an act of worship of the divine spark in my partner.

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