Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Being happy in the flow of things

I encounter on a daily basis people who are always wanting and striving, and whose wants and goals never seem to be met, leaving them perpetually dissatisfied with their lives. Some days.... some days I absorb it. I breathe it in, and I soon I find myself generating negative thoughts. What did I accomplish this year? I asked myself this morning. My mind was blank. Nothingness was the response, and I cast judgement upon myself, and despaired. As the day wore on, as I worked like a fiend, thoughts passed through my mind like clouds scudding across a clear sky. I recalled that I completed two courses, that I passed my certification exam, that I'd had a marvellous vacation, that my relationship had ended amicably, that I had written some decent poetry, that I had made some new friends and deepened friendships with others... that, in fact, I had accomplished things that were important to me, and that was what mattered.

I remembered why I prefer to relax and allow myself to flow with things, because forcing my will upon the time always creates pain. I remembered why it is important to be compassionate and non-judgemental with others, and most especially myself. I remembered that it is not what I hold in my hands that is important, but what I have released, so that my hands and heart and mind are open to appreciate the gifts which grace my life on a daily basis. I remembered these things and the tone of my day changed as I found inner peace amidst the tumult and turmoil of my workplace.


Saturday, December 17, 2005

My misogyny

(click to hear the audioblog entry)

I really don't like women much.

Its terrible, I know, but I've spent all my life in the shadow of the expectation that I will always think and act using what I call "feminine fuzzy logic." The sad thing is that most women are like the stereotypes. And it annoys me to the extreme. It's not that I think other women are stupid... no, its more that I think that females are still being socialized to be objectified vagina-mobiles... and few are aware of it or care enough about it to exceed their behavioural conditioning.

For some lucky people, the ability to think critically does not need to be taught, it comes naturally. But for most of humanity it is a skill that must be learned. And because it is something that must be learned, females are not taught how to think critically, because there are no expectations of them ever needing it. No, instead, we are taught that we should not be too smart or boys will not like us. We are taught that math is too hard for our tiny brains. We are taught that a perfect manicure, gravity-defying breasts, 2.2 children, a husband, and a house with a three-car garage and white picket fence are all we need to be complete as women. So many strive for it, and some achieve it, and then wonder why they are so full of rage when they have everything they ever wanted.

I work in an estrogen ocean. There are two men in my office, everyone else is female. I get to hear about the thongs that just won't stay in place, about the pantiliners made just for thongs, about the best place to get a brazilian wax. I get to hear about the fights over sex with the husbands for not taking out the garbage, or changing the furnace filters, or being too lazy to take the boat out of dry-dock. (I despise sexual blackmail). I get to hear the bickering over American Idol, Survivor, and The Apprentice, and am asked "don't you think so?" all the time, even though I have told them a thousand times that I do not watch TV. Shopping, shoes, purses, hair, tans, cars, carpeting, children and pets spitting-farting-burping-shitting-crying-fighting --these are the most common concerns and topics of conversation. *yawn*

I get to hear the most ridiculous, uninformed opinions on everything from stem cell research to the war on terror. I know better than to question their opinions, because they are unable to articulate the reasoning behind their convictions: "I just do." *shrug*

When I ask them when was the last time they read a good book, I get a blank look. Mention music not on pop radio stations, another blank look. Get excited because Jared Diamond is lecturing in town on the bio-geographical factors in social collapse -- another blank look. Helpfully mention that a problem communicating with a child probably has to do with the fact that the child hasn't reached the concrete operational stage of cognitive development yet -- another blank look. When asked this week what my favorite website to shop for gifts was, I said -- and I got another blank look.

There are exceptions to this, of course, and when I find those women, I value them greatly. But I rarely bond with them. I'm not sure why, but I expect it has to do with my mother and Demming. Examination of my feelings indicates a rather deep distrust of women. Something else to talk to my therapist about, I guess...

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