Thursday, March 30, 2006

PMS and feeling rather Domme

It appears that I was PMSing this weekend, and did not realize it until Sunday morning. Two months in a row. Grr. I hope this does not become a regular thing. Being on the Pill is, as I predicted to Dr Lewis, causing PMS. The rapid drop in hormone levels as a result of ending my cycle is acting as an amplifier for whatever I am feeling at the moment, making it more of a challenge to remain rational and in control. Especially when I do not realize what is happening. I am always feeling very sexual at the end of my cycle, and there is something about PMS that makes me more aggressive. I actually called Chris yesterday. Thank god he was not home. I have a feeling that having sex with him just because I wanted to fuck would have been a giant step backwards for me with regards to my quest for the union of emotional intimacy and my sexuality.

I'm feeling much calmer now, but still sexually keyed. I'm feeling very domme. I have this urge to tie a man up and make him beg. It is interesting to learn what makes a man malleable, be it pleasure, pain, or fear. I think men reach the surrender point sooner than women do. Women are more flexible, but in many ways, they are indomitable. They will surrender, but there is something you cannot penetrate, something at their core you cannot touch. I think it is this place from which women draw the strength to bear the suffering of childbirth, and it is this core that makes women so elusive and so difficult to 'break'. But men, now, men are wimps when it comes to pain or any kind of suffering, and they tend to surrender to the illusion of submission much more whole-heartedly. In my experience, it is a lot more work to dominate a woman than it is a man. Women don't often buy into that illusion. If they are going to surrender, its going to be to the real thing. So you'd better be a real Top, or its just play-acting, and something in her will despise you for your weakness.

Lots of memories lately, of my years at college and women and sex, and MR. Poor MR. Or lucky MR, depending on the perspective. He did look scared when I found him in Kat's bed. And I made him pay, yes, he was tied up and begging until he was hoarse, not because I was jealous or angry, but because he felt guilty. He felt he'd done something wrong, and therefore he had, and he wanted to be punished, and we both knew it. What an amazing thing, that line between pleasure and pain, and the thrill of comingling the two. Mmm, yes, it has been way too long.

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