Love lost, love found

November already! Wow. It has been a year since I left Portland for San Francisco. And while I miss my friends, and the life I had up there, I have no regrets. I love being near my family and friends here, and I'd be a fool to complain about living in San Francisco, now wouldn't I?

Halloween would have been Tammy's 40th birthday. This one was a big contrast to the one last year, when I had a friend visiting from Denmark and after showing him around town I curled up in bed and cried. This year I poured a drink and imagined the party she would have had for herself at her nightclub. I imagined her shaking that wonderful ass of hers on the dance floor, her blond hair shining in the darkness. Bittersweet, and no tears this time. Time does heal... I can think of her without tears falling, though they still well up in my eyes now and then.

A friend of mine sent me a "Firsts Meme" on Facebook, and as I completed it, I dredged up old memories of my first best friend and my first kiss and my first love. I thought about the boy I first kissed, when I was 7 or 8, and who I did not see again for 8 years but became my first love, and certainly the only boy I loved when I was a teen. My childhood sweetheart. Everything was so sweet. I loved him. I always have. I never quite understood how things dissolved between us. So as I was filling out that meme, I looked up his name on Facebook. There are lots of people with his name, but only he has his face. It is the same face. And so I sent him a message.

Minutes later he responded and then we were chatting away, filling each other in on our lives. And within minutes we both had answers to the questions that had gone unanswered for over 20 years. Parents. Our parents had thwarted us. My dad called his mom and told her I was 'late'. She in turn told him. He never heard anything again, so he thought I'd had an abortion. Lots of pain and sadness and feeling stupid on both our parts. And so it goes with teens. Our parents have stayed in touch all these years, and despite both of us asking our parents about each other, they never, in all these years, provided us the means to get in touch with each other. He's known for years that I was in Oregon, and tried to find me. It wasn't until I left Oregon that my father told me he was there. Funny that. And Hooray for Facebook!

And now, back to work. I've got a podcast to release tomorrow, and a naughty story to finish.

Sitting here in the little courtyard, the sky is incredibly blue and the sun warm, but the trees are losing their leaves anyway. M was just leaning his head in my lap, and I rubbed his neck and forehead, mussing up his hair just before he has to go off to a meeting. The days are so much shorter now. I think I'll go to Ocean Beach tomorrow. I want to crunch sand between my toes. I want to taste the wind with my skin.

Want more Silkenvoice?
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Tips on achieving multiple orgasms

Another reader of my blog posted a request:

"Can you please write something on achieving multiple orgasms??? I find that after oral, when I have an orgasm, it's over. I am over-sensitive and ticklish. Tips please?"

The medical establishment now recognizes that multiple orgasms are possible, and not just porn flick mythology. According to Barbara Bartlik, MD, at Weill Medical College, all women capable of achieving orgasms are capable of achieving multiple orgasms.

That said, the ability to have multiple orgasms is learned -- in much the same way we learn to get that first one. And once you've done the hard work of getting the first one, the others are easier.

How do I know this? Well, I learned about multiple orgasms through the forced orgasm kink. I had a wonderfully sensual Dominant partner who tied me up and made me come over and over again, ignoring my begging and screaming for him to stop. After an hour I'd come a dozen times and was completely wrung out. I was limp, my body occasionally rippled with post-orgasmic jolts, and I was incapable of speaking coherently. Sounds great, right? Yes and no. I didn't want to give up control of my clit, so someone had to take it from me. And for someone naturally dominant, it was akin to torture. After that breakthrough, however, I got it and never lost it. Having multiple orgasms is sort of like riding a bicycle.

So... tips on achieving multiple orgasms:

1) On the physical side, in order to achieve additional orgasms, you must press past the sensitivity and languidness that you feel after your initial one. I know how excruciatingly sensitive your clit is after coming, but you, or you partner, needs to keep going, to keep the arousal level up. You don't necessarily have to keep stimulating the clitoris immediately afterwards. I have been known to climb up the headboard to avoid direct clitoral stimulation after coming (which is where being tied up can come in handy :) Instead, you can back off of it and focus on other errogenous zones, but within a couple of minutes, you must return to the clit, preferably with a vibrator of some sort. Fingers or a dildo applying hard and fast direct pressure to the G-Spot while the clitoris is stimulated will make a woman come, and can make us squirt, too :) Just make sure you have lots of lubrication, preferably your own. Orgasms have half-lifes. What I mean by that is this: if it takes you 20 minutes for your first one, it make take 10 for the second, and 5 for the third, and then eventually, they just come hard and fast one after the other until the stimulation ends or you are completely exhausted. Eventually, for some women, the toys aren't necessary. Many of us have trained ourselves to come on demand. It is a mental 'trick' of sorts -- like a button that rises up when we are sufficiently aroused, and that we can push whenever we want.

2) On the mental/emotional side, the only way you are going to be able to have multiple orgasms is if you are completely open to it. You must trust yourself and your partner, and you must relax into it. The wrong kinds of stress or attention to the topic will simply distract you. You need to push your mind and the critical little voice in your head that says "my inner thighs are too fat I wish he wouldn't caress them" etc, ASIDE. Your partner thinks you are beautiful and desirable or he or she wouldn't be there. Your body is a sensory array. Allow yourself to feel with it. Let go and lose yourself in the pure sensuality of the moment. It is a gift to yourself and your partner.

3) Readiness and Build-up. This is what must come first, really, but I mention it last because it is more detailed:

Make sure you are rested. If your body is too tired, too stressed, or your mind too active, you will have a difficult time climaxing once, never mind several times.

In order for you to have good strong multiple orgasms, you need to have good, strong pubococcygeus muscles (PC). You can find Kegel exercises online that describe how to work the PC muscles in the pelvis -- the exercise is a lot like 'holding it' when you have to pee. I do my Kegels all the time -- when I'm driving, standing in line, laying in bed, etc. A secondary effect of these exercises is arousal. I tend to get hard nipples and wet panties when I do my kegels, and since I do them all the time, well... I'm almost always aroused. I can even come just from doing those exercises, if I want to, but I usually hold off. I let the arousal build up over the course of the day, and when I do have sex, I *need* more than one orgasm to feel sated. Its awesome!

Having mulitple orgasms is like a good workout with a sauna afterwards. You feel a little shaky, you sweat, and are purified. There is no more tension left in your body, and your mind is uncluttered. Some Buddhists liken enlightenment to orgasm, and after multi-orgasmic sex I always understand why.

Favorite Positions

Apparently some people have been emboldened by my previous post. I've received a few emails with more questions. One was from a woman who said she noticed I'd mentioned a few positions that were easy to climax in and asked me what my favorite is, and why.

There are a lot of ways to have sex. I've had sex in lots of interesting places, both private and public, and I've enjoyed lots of positions and permutations since I've never limited myself to one gender or just two to a bed. But that said... well... When it comes down to it, my favorite position is missionary. It sounds boring, I know, but for me there is something magical about the intimacy of the missionary position. Yes, there are other positions in which I have more intense orgasms, but its not about that.

For me, there is nothing like having someone I feel deeply for over me, on me, in me. There is something about opening up, physically and emotionally. About looking into each other and sharing of ourselves. And the more comfortable I feel with my partner, the more likely I am to be open and free and, yes, multi-orgasmic.

Why can't I come?

One of my listeners contacted me recently:

I must admit that I'm envious of you, Silken. You express yourself so eloquently and you describe experiences that are beyond my wildest imaginings. Tame as it may be, my greatest fantasy these days is to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Why can't I come? Do you have any advice for me?

I do. And the advice that follows is good for women and their lovers to hear:
For men, orgasm is required for procreation, and so you've evolved to go from limp to ejaculation in 3 minutes. For women all that is necessary is to have an egg in the chute. So if orgasm isn't necessary, why is it possible? Well, part of it is that women have the same or simlar muscles that are involved in male orgasm. But the other part, I think, has to do with keeping men around--so listen up guys. In terms of procreation, if a male has no way of knowing when a female is fertile, then his object is to have intercourse with her as often as possible until she is impregnated -- and what better way to make sure you will be welcomed again and again than to make a woman come?

In my experience, in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must be comfortable with herself and her partner, and highly aroused.

To facilitate your goal of orgasm during intercourse, my first recommendation would be to masturbate frequently--if you can't come solo, it is unlikely that you will be able to come with anyone else. For me, any excuse to masturbate will do, especially when I am feeling frustrated. Most women need a fantasy in their minds, whether it is watching a sexy movie, reading or listening to erotica like mine (shameless plug inserted here) or playing through your own personal sexual fantasy. It is important to begin with this, with getting your mind into the mood, because your body will follow, and your mind and body both have to be aroused in order for orgasm to happen.

If you have difficulty climaxing with masturbation, I would recommend purchasing a Hitachi Magic Wand. It is an amazing vibrator, useful both for sex and for muscle massage. There are different places to press the vibrator--some women put it directly over the clit(with or without padding) while others, like me, press it against the pubic arch between the clit and the vaginal opening, or against the perineum between the vaginal opening and the anus. Experiment. There is no wrong way to do it--however it feels best is what is best for you.

Once you've got masturbating to orgasm down, I recommend that you invite your partner to watch you. He or she can learn a lot from watching where you touch yourself, what tempo you use, and what your body language looks like as your arousal level peaks. From there, the next step would be to let your partner help with your masturbation, whether it is massaging your clit or nipples, or slipping fingers inside you. A woman's capacity for pleasure is immense and women are amazing when they climax -- most partners are only to happy to be a part of the process.

I had difficultly climaxing with partners when I was younger, in fact, for years, the only way I could come during penetrative sex was with a vibrator on my clit and my partner pushed deep inside me with my legs locked around his hips. Once I got coming in that position down, I tried others. Doggie style with a vibrator on my clit was amazing, and in that position, it is possible to do the pre-orgasm muscle-lock without interfering with his pumping action. I also find that sitting astride my partner with the vibrator on my clit is a great way to climax--supposedly the easiest position for most women. In discovering what works for you, you must learn not to be shy about experimenting and asserting what you want, whether it is "Right there. Don't stop", or "Move a little to the left." Also, Don't expect your partner to be a mindreader, especially when you yourself aren't certain about what you want. You might also consider inviting him or her to be a part of the process, lending your their experience and creativity.

I also recommend something many people don't think about: Anal stimulation. There are as many nerve endings around that little spot as there are on your lips. This means that your ass is very sensitive and can be a source of tremendous pleasure. There are little bullet vibes that can be pressed against it -- you don't need penetration to experience incredible sensations. However, I can say that the most consistently amazing orgasms I've had involve anal penetration so I encourage you to go to an online shop like www.BabeLand.com and look at what toys are recommended for anal play.

For most women, vibrators and other toys are an integral part of sexual intercourse, and most partners, male and female alike, understand and accept it. Most people are willing to do whatever it takes to see that our partners get to experience the pinnacle of pleasure.

Ultimately, achieving orgasm, solo or with others, and with or without toys is about you. Being comfortable in your own skin, being comfortable exploring your body, and being comfortable finding erotic material that arouses you. Own your body. Relax into it. Accept the challenge of mastering your own pleasure. Recognize that youy don't have to come to feel very, very good. Build on the erotic energy and you will come.

She threw herself at me

She threw herself at me.

Well, not really -- but it sounds good, doesn't it?

Actually she was standing too close to a tiki torch and when the wind blew the flame toward her, she leaped away from it -- and into me. It was rather nice having my arms full of a buxom blond who smelled like Lolita Lempicka. I helped her steady herself and smiled as she blushed and apologized profusely. The man I was talking to when she stumbled into me made introductions. As we shook hands, I noticed her wedding ring.

"Emily?" I said. "A lovely name for someone so warm and soft and sweet smelling."

The way she looked at me, I knew I'd read her right. Married she might be, but Emily liked girls. And dominants.

Our mutual friend Bruce laughed. He and Emily had a lot in common, apparently. Both were married, bisexual, and submissive. We chatted for a while, and I enjoyed the energy they sent my way. Subs do that in the presence of Dominants--they bend energy our way.

I turned to Bruce. "I brought my Sybian... if you help carry it in, I'll let you choose who rides first."

"Oh!" gasped Emily. "Me-me-me-me."

I smiled at Bruce and he gave his delightful laugh.



He laughed the same way when Emily climaxed later that night, her hips bucking on my Sybian and her eyes wide. She kept saying "OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod" like a Buddhist reciting a mantra that had her on the cusp of enlightenment. And maybe she was. She looked utterly transformed: luminous, uninhibited, joyous. Her hair was a disheveled mess and her nipples, her little pink nipples, were incredibly hard, the large aureoles crinkled up tight.

I had slowly been turning down the vibration on the Sybian as she slid down her peak, looking drowsy and replete, but Bruce gave me a thumbs-up sign and moved behind Emily. He kneeled and pulled her back against him, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and another under her ribcage. Once he had her secure in his embrace, I goosed the power on the Sybian. Emily's eyes popped open.

"NoNoNoNoNoooo," she screamed. "Make it stop!" Her head tossed from side to side.

"Ever heard of forced orgasms, Emily?" I asked her. I knew I had a devilish expression on my face. I love making women cum.

Emily shook her head wildly. She choked on something that could have been a moan or a sob.

Bruce slid his fingers down her belly. I watched him tease her clit as I stepped out of my skirt, leaving a pool of silk on the floor. As I walked toward them, my fingers flicked my right thigh, the thigh that the holster for my strap-on dildo usually rode on. But not tonight. Tonight my tool of choice was the Sybaan.

I stood over them and gave first Bruce, and then Emily, a kiss. Then I took her hair in my hand and pulled it downward until her upturned face left her no where to look but my eyes.

"You are going to eat my pussy, Emily love, and you are going to make me cum. You are going to cum on my clit, making it vibrate with the force of your own screaming orgasms. And only your being limp and senseless will make it stop."

I tightened my fingers in her hair and pressed her face against my pussy. With my other hand, I pressed the control box against my thigh and turned it to its highest setting. Bruce leaned into Emily, forcing her pussy and clit down against the machine.

When she came, it was with an explosion of hot breath against my clit that went off like an explosion in the back of my mind. The keening sounds she made were muffled against my flesh, but the vibrations rippled through me, pebbling my skin with wave after wave of gooseflesh.

So close! I pressed myself firmly against her face until I could feel the suction of her mouth and nose struggling to find air. She sucked pussy juice deep into her nostrils and then I set her free, letting her gasp for air. Mmmm. So close!

I watched as Bruce humped his cock against Emily's ass, a blissed-out expression on his face.

"Finish in her mouth," I instructed him.

Bruce staggered to his feet and moved to stand before Emily while I got behind her on the Sybian. Even without the dildo attachment the vibration of the machine was enough to make me cum. I wrapped my arms around Emily and humped against her and the Sybian as Bruce cradled her head in his hands.

As profane as the scene might have seemed to someone else, to us there was something transcendent and sacred about the giving and taking of pleasure, of the abandonment of inhibitions and fears, and the release of our primal selves in this ages old dance to the orgiastic, orgasmic beat of carnal love pounded out in the drums of our flesh until we fell asleep in a sodden, tangled heap, our bodies imperfect instruments of the tireless, divine spark within.

Announcing the release of AudioSensual Erotic Shorts on CDBaby.com

I've been awfully quiet this summer, I know.  Not nearly as many posts as normal, and there is a good reason for that. Really. I've been working like mad on an audio project. My project this summer was to produce a collection of erotic vignettes for distribution on iTunes and Amazon and other audio retailers. I set myself the goal of having it released by Labor Day Weekend, and I am pleased to say that I beat my goal by a few days. AudioSensual Erotic Shorts was released September 3, 2009 on CDBaby.com. I expect to see the mp3s available on iTunes and Amazon in October. Just search for "silkenvoice" :) Next on the list, a complete site redesign for my audio stores AudioSensual.com and MyEroticAudio.com. And for those who are interested, the latest episode of my AudioSensual podcast was released yesterday.

Health Care, Again

I've made a point of having a conversation on health care at least once a day with someone who disagrees with the need for health care reform. Below is an email I sent to someone after our conversation ended prematurely. The person this is directed at is in his early 60's, is very much a member of the Conservative Christian Right, and very eager to tell others that they are wrong without providing proof to back it up.

This is a long email. I did a lot of research and put a lot of thought into it, so I hope that you will read it and give it some thought. This is my work, my understanding, and my conclusions, based upon hard data -- not some TV personality's opinions vomited up for your consumption.

You said: "The US has Best Health Care in the World" and when I said that was incorrect, you told me I was wrong. So I did some research with the following question in mind:
How do I quantitatively measure "best" using statistics you'd trust? I know that a lot of people have been lead by certain media outlets to mistrust the World Heath Organization statistics, so... Would you trust the stats compiled in the CIA FACT BOOK? I think you would, so I'll start there. https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/index.html

So, if the US does indeed have the best health care in the world, then we should have the lowest rate of infant mortality and the highest life expectancy, right? The measure of the health of a nation's citizens is fairly easily determined by infant mortality rates, as there is a correlation between maternal health and the health of infants. Additionally, longevity is an excellent measure of the health of a nation. Healthier people live longer, right? But to be generous, lets say that for a country to be a contender for the "Best Health Care in the World Award" that country should be in the top 10%. So the CIA evaluates 224 countries, which means the US would need to be within the TOP 22 in order to qualify for the upper 90th percentile. Lets see how we rank:

INFANT MORTALITY RATE: 6.26 per 1000 = #180th highest out of 224 countries / 44th lowest out of 224.
If the US has the best health care, then we should have one of the lowest infant morality rates, right? Uhm, there 43 countries with fewer infant deaths. Cuba, a communist country with socialized medicine, has fewer deaths per 1000 than we do. Canada is beats the US by 9 slots. The top 10 countries with the lowest infant mortality rates: Singapore, Bermuda, Sweden, Japan, Hong Kong, Macau, Iceland, France, Finland, Anguilla. Germany is 15th, Switzerland is 16th, the UK is 31st and Canada is 35th. The vast majority of these countries have government subsidized health care for all citizens. Source: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2091rank.html?countryName=United%20States&countryCode=us&regionCode=na&rank=180#top

LIFE EXPECTANCY: 78.11 years = 50th out of 224 countries.
If the US has the best health care system then our population should be living longer and healthier than people in other countries. But we're not. The US, at #50, is in the 77th percentile. Canada is 8th, in the top 5%. UK is 36th, Germany 32nd, Sweden is 10th, France is 9th, Australia is 7th. Macau, Andorra, Japan, Singapore and San Marino are in the top 5.
Source: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2102rank.html

I think the only way we can say that we have the best heath care system in the US is if we think "most expensive" = "best". But I won't stop there. How else can we quantitatively evaluate the qualitative assertion "The US has Best Health Care in the World" ?

The US as a country is the single largest producer of wealth in the world. Our 2008 GDP was 14.2 trillion. The EU combined was 14.8 trillion. GDP per capita, however, we are #10, with Singapore just ahead of us at #9, and with the UK and Canada at 19 and 21 respectively. Other countries with lower GDP but higher life expectancy and lower infant mortality rates such as Canada, the UK, and Sweden manage to provide health care that exceeds American standards (as measured by our infant mortality and life expectancy rates) at a lower percentage of GDP / per capita. How is it that countries with similar or lower GDP manage to provide health care to their citizens that demonstrably (via infant mortality and life expectancy rates) exceeds our own? Obviously, Government subsidized health care is both more economically efficient and individually effective. Source: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2004rank.html

The reason why Singapore keeps coming up is because, by all accounts, Singapore has the best health care in the world. The Singapore government spent only 1.3 percent of GDP on healthcare in 2002, whereas the combined public and private expenditure on healthcare amounted to a low 4.3 percent of GDP. By contrast, the United States spent 14.6 percent of its GDP on healthcare that year... How does Singapore do it? Yep, Government-subsidized health care. Not only does it make excellent marks on life expectancy and infant mortality, but Singapore subsidizes its citizen's health without endangering its economy. Source: http://econlog.econlib.org/archives/2008/01/singapores_heal.html

Yes, I know that in the cases of certain catastrophic illnesses, the US has a higher survival or extension of life rate and that in those cases, wealthy people from other countries come here for care. But my understanding is that we have a higher percentage of catastrophic illnesses as a result of poor health maintenance / preventive care, and thus our "supremacy" in this area is born of necessity and opportunistic profitability rather than of efforts at excellence.

Lastly, I know that some people have argued that we can't afford a health care system because our Defense spending is so high. Well, the CIA Factbook shows that the US is #28 in Defense pending as a percentage of GDP, between Chad and Libya, and almost a full percentage point behind Singapore (#20). Source: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2034rank.html Now, back in the 60's when most other First World countries were developing national health care systems, the US was caught up in funding the Cold War and that is why only Medicare for the Elderly was passed, because it was thought the country could not afford it. Once the Cold War was over, however, there was very little agreement about how involved the Government should be in the US Economy, and in fact, there were significant cut-backs in "entitlement" spending, the funds of which were then funneled into Defense spending. Even so, according to a Brookings Institute study, the US now spends more money on health care than it does on Defense and Social Security combined. Source: http://www.brookings.edu/projects/opportunity08.aspx Surely, if we are putting that much of our GDP into health care, we can get a better value for our dollars.


Conclusion: Americans have a tendency to believe in our dominance and supremacy in the world, without recognizing that it is an illusion. Stubbornly insisting that "We are the Best!!!" does not make it so. It isn't unpatriotic to recognize that the US is slipping. But I think it is unpatriotic to blindly accept what the rah-rah "patriotic cheerleaders" have to say about where the US stands in comparison to the rest of the world. We've lost our moral high ground with the torture of prisoners and we're losing our economic vitality to idiots who want a return to the Free Market Robber Baron days. Well, the excesses of the late 1800s and early 1900s lead to the crash in 1929, and the same practices and policies lead to the crash of 2008. And as a result of the abuses of the early 1900's, the Federal government implemented a social security network (pensions in the 1930s), which it later expanded upon with the Medicare program of 1965 and the WIC program of 1975. In all three cases, a significant number of people argued very heatedly against these "entitlement programs" and yet, without them, where would we be? In the US, the poverty rate in 2007 was 12.6% of the population. 18% of those living in poverty in this wealthiest of nations are children, and nearly 10% of them are people over 65. Source: http://www.census.gov/hhes/www/poverty/poverty07/pov07hi.html If we didn't have these socialized care / entitlement programs (Social Security, Medicare, WIC, etc) the lives of those living in poverty would be much, much harder.

Now we are at an important cross-roads. We either ensure that every citizen in the US has access to affordable health care, thus improving the overall health of the nation and thus decreasing medical costs long-term, or we sink even farther in the world rankings. It is better that our elderly enter the Medicare program healthy from a lifetime of adequate health care, because there will be fewer instances of catastrophic illnesses and other costly issues resulting from neglected health. And it is better that Americans enter the work-force healthy from adequate health care in childhood. Singapore learned that lesson big time. In 1969, Singapore was ranked #59 for GDP in the world, and today it is at #46, and the per capita income went from #38 in 1969 (Source: http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/eco_gdp_percap-economy-gdp-per-capita&int=-1&date=1969) to #9. What accounts for the upward mobility? Most people give a government focus on health care the bulk of the credit. Singapore once had a very high incidence of malaria, a disease that created a huge drag on their economy (and still has a profound effect on the health and economies of most equatorial countries) because a significant percentage of the population was too sick to work in any given time. In the same time frame, the US went from #1 in GDP per capita in 1969 to #10 per capita in 2008. In 2003, lost work days due to illness and injury carried total annual costs of nearly $63 billion in lost work and productivity for private US employers, not including actual health care costs (Source: http://journals.lww.com/joem/Abstract/2007/07000/Cost_of_Lost_Work_and_Bed_Days_for_US_Workers_in.7.aspx). Could it be that the 9 point drop in US GDP per capita is at least partially related to the high costs of poor health maintenance? There is a lot of compelling data out there to suggest that it is in the best economic interests of every country to provide public health care -- and all this without even touching upon the moral argument of the world's wealthiest Christian nation's unwillingness to provide for its poor and sick citizens as Christ chided us all to do.

If you've gotten this far, I hope you'll at least give all of this some thought. I've provided the sources of all of the numbers I've quoted. Most of them are from the CIA Fact Book, as I'm sure you've noticed. It is my nature to question what others assert. I've never been very good at taking "because I said so" as an answer, and no matter how charismatic the person or compelling the argument, I've always, always, looked for the facts. Here they are. Make of them what you will.

My sister the Ambassador For Life

August First was my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 84, but she died in 1995, of lung cancer. I buried her husband this past January. He also died of lung cancer. And its has been three years since one of my sisters got her initial diagnosis of -- yep, lung cancer. She's been through surgery, radiation, chemo and remission, followed by systemic metastasis that resulted in a terminal "you've got weeks to live" diagnosis.

But she's still here. Been through another round of full round of chemo, just had a chest X-ray. There is a shadow. If her cancer is on the grow again, well, that's it. She's had the maximum dosage of radiation and chemo. Her bones are so brittle she's broken a half dozen ribs since the first of the year. Her digestive system can't tolerate meat or glutens anymore. But she keeps going. She lives every day like tomorrow doesn't matter. Does 500 push ups and 1000 crunches every day. She's one of my heroes. She's been named one of the American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life" ambassadors, and will be speaking at a fundraiser this month.

She's also unemployable and uninsured except for MediCal. If she'd had insurance, her lung cancer probably would have been caught long before it reached Stage IV. So in a lot of ways, she's not only an ambassador for the American Cancer Society, she's also a poster-child for the need for affordable and preventive health care.

I thought this country had grown up a bit, outgrown the fear-mongering and stepped up to hope and work for the future. And the way some Americans are acting these days, well, it shames us all. It is reprehensible to play on people's fears. It is shameful to lie to them. But even worse is the pervasive laziness and ignorance. Americans are complacent. We've become cattle at the trough, internalizing whatever the media sends through, no matter how outrageous.

This is democracy and freedom of information at work. And we think the rest of the world should emulate us?! Americans have become so lazy, so bloated with information, that they do not consider what they consume. All critical thinking skills seem to have been drowned in high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oil, not to mention pundits and talk show hosts.

I know this is very un-sexy. I know you probably read my blog looking for an escape from reality to sensuality. And I try to stick to my motto of giving voice to the sensual immediacy of life, I really do, only sometimes, sometimes the words stick in my throat and I think of the poet Shane Koyczan saying that he doesn't keep change in his pocket he keeps it in the tip of his pen, because sometimes the writing on the wall can use a little revision.

And I think about my sister, who is dying by the millimeter, cancer cell by cancer cell, and how she still finds the energy to be an Ambassador For Life, and if a woman for whom every breath is a painful reminder of 80 year old ribs in a 40 year old body has the willpower to run a Relay for Life what the FUCK am I doing writing about frottage and orgasms and soft sheets? Does writing about the sensual immediacy of life come close to the level of advocacy she and every person on this planet needs when it comes to health care?

Come on people, let go of your fears. I know you are afraid, we all are. But the difference between the man who killed Martin Luther King and the man who walked on the moon is the man who walked on the moon put his fears of the vaccum of space aside, and took that giant leap for mankind. And the difference between the mobs at the townhall meetings and the thousands who run in the Relay For Life is a recognition that ignorance and fear kill far more people than cancer does. Big Business interests are buying your fears. Your pharmacy purchases, your medical premiums -- your money is going toward the millions of dollars a day being spent on misinformation campaigns that are producing the desired result of paralyzing people with fear so the bottom-line keeps growing at double-digit rates.

Don't let the dying put us to shame. You, too, can be an ambassador for life. Go look for the facts instead of swallowing the inflammatory swill the media outlets are calling "news" and speak the truth to the ignorant. Or one day you, too, just might find yourself with insufficient health insurance and a powerful need for health care, looking back and thinking "if only that insurance reform had gone through back in '09. Then maybe a routine pap smear would have caught my cancer and I could have seen my daughter graduate from high school."

End of rant.