Love lost, love found
November already! Wow. It has been a year since I left Portland for San Francisco. And while I miss my friends, and the life I had up there, I have no regrets. I love being near my family and friends here, and I'd be a fool to complain about living in San Francisco, now wouldn't I?
Halloween would have been Tammy's 40th birthday. This one was a big contrast to the one last year, when I had a friend visiting from Denmark and after showing him around town I curled up in bed and cried. This year I poured a drink and imagined the party she would have had for herself at her nightclub. I imagined her shaking that wonderful ass of hers on the dance floor, her blond hair shining in the darkness. Bittersweet, and no tears this time. Time does heal... I can think of her without tears falling, though they still well up in my eyes now and then.
A friend of mine sent me a "Firsts Meme" on Facebook, and as I completed it, I dredged up old memories of my first best friend and my first kiss and my first love. I thought about the boy I first kissed, when I was 7 or 8, and who I did not see again for 8 years but became my first love, and certainly the only boy I loved when I was a teen. My childhood sweetheart. Everything was so sweet. I loved him. I always have. I never quite understood how things dissolved between us. So as I was filling out that meme, I looked up his name on Facebook. There are lots of people with his name, but only he has his face. It is the same face. And so I sent him a message.
Minutes later he responded and then we were chatting away, filling each other in on our lives. And within minutes we both had answers to the questions that had gone unanswered for over 20 years. Parents. Our parents had thwarted us. My dad called his mom and told her I was 'late'. She in turn told him. He never heard anything again, so he thought I'd had an abortion. Lots of pain and sadness and feeling stupid on both our parts. And so it goes with teens. Our parents have stayed in touch all these years, and despite both of us asking our parents about each other, they never, in all these years, provided us the means to get in touch with each other. He's known for years that I was in Oregon, and tried to find me. It wasn't until I left Oregon that my father told me he was there. Funny that. And Hooray for Facebook!
And now, back to work. I've got a podcast to release tomorrow, and a naughty story to finish.
Sitting here in the little courtyard, the sky is incredibly blue and the sun warm, but the trees are losing their leaves anyway. M was just leaning his head in my lap, and I rubbed his neck and forehead, mussing up his hair just before he has to go off to a meeting. The days are so much shorter now. I think I'll go to Ocean Beach tomorrow. I want to crunch sand between my toes. I want to taste the wind with my skin.
Want more Silkenvoice?
My CD: on iTunes or CDBaby.com
My Site: www.Audiosensual.com
My Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
My Podcast: Audiosensual.blogspot.com
Halloween would have been Tammy's 40th birthday. This one was a big contrast to the one last year, when I had a friend visiting from Denmark and after showing him around town I curled up in bed and cried. This year I poured a drink and imagined the party she would have had for herself at her nightclub. I imagined her shaking that wonderful ass of hers on the dance floor, her blond hair shining in the darkness. Bittersweet, and no tears this time. Time does heal... I can think of her without tears falling, though they still well up in my eyes now and then.
A friend of mine sent me a "Firsts Meme" on Facebook, and as I completed it, I dredged up old memories of my first best friend and my first kiss and my first love. I thought about the boy I first kissed, when I was 7 or 8, and who I did not see again for 8 years but became my first love, and certainly the only boy I loved when I was a teen. My childhood sweetheart. Everything was so sweet. I loved him. I always have. I never quite understood how things dissolved between us. So as I was filling out that meme, I looked up his name on Facebook. There are lots of people with his name, but only he has his face. It is the same face. And so I sent him a message.
Minutes later he responded and then we were chatting away, filling each other in on our lives. And within minutes we both had answers to the questions that had gone unanswered for over 20 years. Parents. Our parents had thwarted us. My dad called his mom and told her I was 'late'. She in turn told him. He never heard anything again, so he thought I'd had an abortion. Lots of pain and sadness and feeling stupid on both our parts. And so it goes with teens. Our parents have stayed in touch all these years, and despite both of us asking our parents about each other, they never, in all these years, provided us the means to get in touch with each other. He's known for years that I was in Oregon, and tried to find me. It wasn't until I left Oregon that my father told me he was there. Funny that. And Hooray for Facebook!
And now, back to work. I've got a podcast to release tomorrow, and a naughty story to finish.
Sitting here in the little courtyard, the sky is incredibly blue and the sun warm, but the trees are losing their leaves anyway. M was just leaning his head in my lap, and I rubbed his neck and forehead, mussing up his hair just before he has to go off to a meeting. The days are so much shorter now. I think I'll go to Ocean Beach tomorrow. I want to crunch sand between my toes. I want to taste the wind with my skin.
Want more Silkenvoice?
My CD: on iTunes or CDBaby.com
My Site: www.Audiosensual.com
My Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
My Podcast: Audiosensual.blogspot.com
Labels: acceptance, loss, love
posted by Kayar Silkenvoice at 3:59 PM
2 Comments:
it's so true about time healing.. how gorgeous you can see her dancing.. shaking her booty.. that is how I remember my mom... we are off to Cuba soon, and I see her there.. in the pool.. with a drinkin her hand.. shaking to the samba playing on the loudspeaker...having a blast.. ! I love that image of her, not the image of her sick... you know..
I lost my mom 4 years ago.. and I was just commenting to a friend how I don't talk to her any more.. not like I used to.. when she first died.. I would talk to her in my car.. out loud.. like a crazy person.. and now.. it's faded..
but my gosh.. I miss her terribly..
First loves rewind.. wow.. romeo and juliet all over that story...
I do love and hate FB for that..
I found a boy that I truly loved in my 20's.. we dated for about 5 years, long distance, he lived in new mexico..I lived in vancouver.. and I left him to be with another, always felt badly about that.. and since we have re-connected, he tells me that he does not recall anything about me dumping him..but he does remember my lovely breast.. :)
nice ha.. haaaaaa loveeeee!
My muse wants to say something about your CD...I am the muse of an older man, who is filled with passion, love and the need to be involved, sexually. First, the voice, the sound of a lover, an angel, a women for him. The stories, you feel part of each one, they are real, they turn you towards the passion in your body like nothing I have felt. My body has lost its ability to be complete anymore after cancer, but there are hundreds of way to be turned on and softly and compassionately turn your partner on. I wish someone could work this into their stories, there are so many of us. enough of that! I loved the CD and I love you for sharing it...Oh, I forgot, the venue, my sports club, I guess the people there wondered how I smiled through the sweat and soreness? It's my secret, I will listen again and again, peace, thanks, love, ko shin, Bob Hanson
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