Monday, October 05, 2009

Why can't I come?

One of my listeners contacted me recently:
I must admit that I'm envious of you, Silken. You express yourself so eloquently and you describe experiences that are beyond my wildest imaginings. Tame as it may be, my greatest fantasy these days is to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Why can't I come? Do you have any advice for me?
I do. And the advice that follows is good for women and their lovers to hear:
For men, orgasm is required for procreation, and so you've evolved to go from limp to ejaculation in 3 minutes. For women all that is necessary is to have an egg in the chute. So if orgasm isn't necessary, why is it possible? Well, part of it is that women have the same or simlar muscles that are involved in male orgasm. But the other part, I think, has to do with keeping men around--so listen up guys. In terms of procreation, if a male has no way of knowing when a female is fertile, then his object is to have intercourse with her as often as possible until she is impregnated -- and what better way to make sure you will be welcomed again and again than to make a woman come?

In my experience, in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must be comfortable with herself and her partner, and highly aroused.

To facilitate your goal of orgasm during intercourse, my first recommendation would be to masturbate frequently--if you can't come solo, it is unlikely that you will be able to come with anyone else. For me, any excuse to masturbate will do, especially when I am feeling frustrated. Most women need a fantasy in their minds, whether it is watching a sexy movie, reading or listening to erotica like mine (shameless plug inserted here) or playing through your own personal sexual fantasy. It is important to begin with this, with getting your mind into the mood, because your body will follow, and your mind and body both have to be aroused in order for orgasm to happen.

If you have difficulty climaxing with masturbation, I would recommend purchasing a Hitachi Magic Wand. It is an amazing vibrator, useful both for sex and for muscle massage. There are different places to press the vibrator--some women put it directly over the clit(with or without padding) while others, like me, press it against the pubic arch between the clit and the vaginal opening, or against the perineum between the vaginal opening and the anus. Experiment. There is no wrong way to do it--however it feels best is what is best for you.

Once you've got masturbating to orgasm down, I recommend that you invite your partner to watch you. He or she can learn a lot from watching where you touch yourself, what tempo you use, and what your body language looks like as your arousal level peaks. From there, the next step would be to let your partner help with your masturbation, whether it is massaging your clit or nipples, or slipping fingers inside you. A woman's capacity for pleasure is immense and women are amazing when they climax -- most partners are only to happy to be a part of the process.

I had difficultly climaxing with partners when I was younger, in fact, for years, the only way I could come during penetrative sex was with a vibrator on my clit and my partner pushed deep inside me with my legs locked around his hips. Once I got coming in that position down, I tried others. Doggie style with a vibrator on my clit was amazing, and in that position, it is possible to do the pre-orgasm muscle-lock without interfering with his pumping action. I also find that sitting astride my partner with the vibrator on my clit is a great way to climax--supposedly the easiest position for most women. In discovering what works for you, you must learn not to be shy about experimenting and asserting what you want, whether it is "Right there. Don't stop", or "Move a little to the left." Also, Don't expect your partner to be a mindreader, especially when you yourself aren't certain about what you want. You might also consider inviting him or her to be a part of the process, lending your their experience and creativity.

I also recommend something many people don't think about: Anal stimulation. There are as many nerve endings around that little spot as there are on your lips. This means that your ass is very sensitive and can be a source of tremendous pleasure. There are little bullet vibes that can be pressed against it -- you don't need penetration to experience incredible sensations. However, I can say that the most consistently amazing orgasms I've had involve anal penetration so I encourage you to go to an online shop like and look at what toys are recommended for anal play.

For most women, vibrators and other toys are an integral part of sexual intercourse, and most partners, male and female alike, understand and accept it. Most people are willing to do whatever it takes to see that our partners get to experience the pinnacle of pleasure.

Ultimately, achieving orgasm, solo or with others, and with or without toys is about you. Being comfortable in your own skin, being comfortable exploring your body, and being comfortable finding erotic material that arouses you. Own your body. Relax into it. Accept the challenge of mastering your own pleasure. Recognize that youy don't have to come to feel very, very good. Build on the erotic energy and you will come.

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Blogger shewhowill said...

Interesting post..
I too have had recent trouble with this, but I found that talking it out worked. You are right in the mind thing.. you have to be fully aroused mind and body, for best results..
I find starting the foreplay in the afternoon is good.. telephone tag.. sexy conversations, sexy texts.. gets the juices flowing.
I learned that.. from you! imagine that! ;)

9:18 PM, October 05, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aye. Women, go for it! And for the men reading this post, go help your partner achieve her orgasms, or achieve better orgasms. It's great for both. Also for you men, it's fun to watch and share this pleasure with your partner. Plus it'll improve the rest of your relationship.

6:44 AM, October 10, 2009  
Anonymous Alicia Night Orchid said...

Great post Kayar.

1:09 PM, October 12, 2009  

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