Monday, June 05, 2006

Dogwoods and Demons

this is an audio post - click to play
For the first time in weeks, we were both available and feeling social. I drove up to Vancouver and he cooked dinner for me: salmon, herbed red potatoes, and fresh green beans. Then we went for a walk, under the japanese dogwoods, which are flowering so brilliantly right now. It was warmish and misty. The moisture in the air collected on my hair and eyelashes--its just as well that I don't wear makeup. I liked the feel of his fingers on the back of my neck, so cool after the warmth of the night air. Their coolness made my nipples hard and gave me gooseflesh. He smelled wonderful: his natural scent mixed deliciously with soap and his creaky leather jacket.

We walked to a cafe and had lattes and shared a strawberry rhubarb galette and talked quite a lot. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh, but we did talk seriously about a few things.

He said I say the most disconcerting things at times, particularly because I seem so serene and collected most of the time. Very Mona Lisa with my dark eyes and mysterious smiles. Silly man.

He said he thinks I'm an amazing woman, and that my complicated past and present aren't off-putting for him, despite my efforts to use it to keep him at a distance.

He said I'm simply more aware of and more forthcoming about my demons than most people, and admires the fact that I have the courage to actually do something about them. He said that I'm not alone, and one day I'll realize that the demons I'm wrestling that seem so personal are the same demons that dog all of humanity.

He said that one day he knows I'll realize that my demons are a valid and valuable part of me and come to accept them instead of struggling with them, and when that happens I will feel enriched and, if not whole, at least a lot less torn.

It made me uncomfotable, him so focussed on me, refusing to let me turn the conversation to a more comfortable topic, but I recognized the wisdom in what he said. I hope that day of enlightenment comes soon.

In the meantime, I will continue to be thankful for the good people in my life, who speak their truths honestly and compassionately.

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