Thursday, January 07, 2010

Two years ago today

Two years ago today, my 38 year old sister suffered the massive brain hemorrhage which is the official cause of her death. She went to the emergency room complaining of a Very Bad Headache. It was one of more than 20 visits to that hospital in the previous year, and thinking it was just more of the agony related to pancreatitis-induced malnutrition, they sent her home with a prescription for Tylenol #3. A few hours later she was back at the hospital, this time, in a coma. On the morning of January 8th, she was declared brain dead. At the time of her death she weighed 80#, down 100# from two years previous. Photos of her that New Years Eve show an ethereal pixie. She glowed, as if the barrier that held her life-force within her had thinned considerably. Egg-shell thin. She knew she was dying. She'd been on hospice care for months. She'd already said her goodbyes, and asked everyone to let her go. "I'm so tired," she said at Thanksgiving. "I'm ready to go be with Mom."

Today, I can write this without sobbing uncontrollably. The tears are there, yes, hovering under my eyelids, threatening to spill, but they break the surface tension one at a time, these tears, rolling slowly down my cheeks. I miss her. God how I miss her. But I'm not angry any more, just terribly sad. I thought we'd grow old together, me and her, be two weird old ladies together, laughing until we needed to pee, helping each other down the steps, chastising our other sister's grandchildren and great-grandchildren for being, well, children.

I suppose we'll still grow old together, in my mind. But for now she is still young, glowing with that terrible beauty I've only seen in those near death, smiling her little girl smile, and giggling.

Miss you, sis.

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2 Comments:

Blogger s1m0n.broussard said...

Terrible it must have been. All the best to you today on this dark anniversary. Best wishes...

s1m0n

12:09 PM, January 07, 2010  
Blogger sdcaulley said...

If you were here we would hold you in our arms again. Hold you while you grieve again. You are in our thoughts and in my prayers.

Stephanie

7:52 PM, January 08, 2010  

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