Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bated breath

When my partner and I returned from our month in Japan, it was to a new economic reality. His company's line of credit had been yanked and so they'd closed their doors, and my profession, which conventional wisdom considers recession-proof, had considerably fewer openings and those positions available would have required commutes that impacted my quality of life. So, I decided to focus on writing and recording erotica as a business, as a way to make a living doing what I love. At the same time, my partner started a business with colleagues from his former job. Starting a business is like buying a house and having a baby -- at the same time. Starting two businesses is like renovating a home while you are living in it with newborn twins.

So for the past seven months we've both been working from home in a 1,000 sq foot San Francisco townhouse. My preference is for my home to be a place of tranquility -- uncluttered, functional-yet-aesthetically pleasing, and serene. What I've got is a living room and dining room that have been taken over by computers, wires, boxes, papers -- you name it.  To make things more interesting, our neighbors are undergoing renovations, so from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm we get to deal with the sounds of saws and hammering and loud music. Couple that with the fact that SFO has more and more airline traffic and somehow our place is directly in the path of flights taking off between midnight and 3am, and I'm getting edgy. Noise during the day, noise at night, clutter-noise inside.

A solution has presented itself in the form of his start-up company and their decision to locate their offices half-way between San Francisco and Palo Alto to accommodate the commute times for the team. He hates commutes longer than 15 minutes, so we'll be moving. I suppose it is just as well we didn't buy that condo on Geary Street :)

So now I've got to start looking for a place to move into at the end of January. I've started packing and I've got boxes piled up in my bedroom. I've got a friend visiting from overseas during Thanksgiving Weekend. And upcoming launch of new sites and new audio for those sites. I'm helping my partner build computers and keep things organized. And then there is the issue of My Beloved.

After our initial contact, which was very intense and painful for us both, he's pulled back like a turtle. Contact is now emails with apologies and stated intentions, but no commitment as to when this will materialize. I've tried to keep up my end of things, being open and communicative, hoping that his emails will contain something of substance. A week later, I'm tired of holding my breath. So I'm letting it go. It makes no sense to keep so much of my time and energy freed-up so that I will be available on the off-chance he finds the emotional wherewithall to complete the process he instigated. It hurts, and I've been willing to work through the old wounds and the pain because I thought our connection was worth salvaging. And perhaps it is. But he is also a man who cut me off like a limb because he didn't have the courage to work through his own pain. It has been a decade, and gods know I've grown and changed a lot in that time, but it is looking more and more likely that he has not. And I don't have time to play the mind-games. I've got a life to live, a business to build, a home to find, and a man to love.

When he's ready, I'm sure My Beloved will contact me again. And if he never is, that is sad for him but ok with me. I'm not going to be held hostage by a decade-old emotional tie. I'm not going to wait with bated breath for My Beloved to come. And my inner child, well, I'll find a way to explain it to her. Somehow.

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Blogger shewhowill said...

Your inner child already knows... she has seen you go thru this before.. trust me.. she knows..
hang in there.. it's tough emotional times for sure.. but this too shall pass.... and then come back again.. and then pass.... it's the nature of
our beloved people..
we just keep on loving them.. at a distance.. and hold on to the momories that bring us joy on a shitty day.. and help us cry on a super duper pms day..
I have been going thru something similar.. with an old flame.. that I think just came back to wave his love in my face.. and then go.. payback of sorts..
this moon cycle is over.. or so I'm told.. things will return to their normal state..
Moving sucks though.. hmmmm no.. actually it's like xmas.. unwrapping the stuff that you are too busy to use/see everyday..
hang in there!

6:20 PM, November 17, 2009  

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