Turning the corner

I've had trouble sleeping. I fall exhausted into bed and am awake a few hours later. I force myself to go back to sleep and I do, but its more like being in alpha-state--sometimes I catch my mind talking to itself and listen in on the internal dialog. It seems I am always running a litany of things to do mixed with musing over problems to be solved and rehearsal conversations with family and friends.

Knowing there would be no more rest for me, I forced myself to get out of bed, lest I decide there was no purpose to getting up. I am fortunate, I reminded myself in the shower. I have a wide network of friends, people who love and support me. My family is in crisis again, but my shoulders are broad, I can handle this. I can handle this. Tears fill my eyes but I will not allow them to fall. I've cried enough the past four months. Right now, tears are not an answer or a release. They are simply an indulgence. The urge will pass.

Outside my window it is Spring. The birds feed their nestlings. I cannot believe this is happening. The flowers and trees bloom, and the sky is a thousand shades of gray. I will spend the weekend with people I love. I will support my sisters, my parents as best I can. I choose what is happening. I cannot change it, and I could deny it, but that changes nothing. A gust of wind shakes the plum trees, scattering flower petals like confetti. In choosing to accept What Is, I can move forward from a firm basis of reality into a future of my own creation. Scrubbing the kitchen, taking refuge in rhythmic movement, in the preparations for guests that I will attempt to entertain this weekend. Thoughts and attitudes are causal forces in life. I can create my reality, the circumstances of my life. I know I can create it, because I can look back and see what choices I have made that created the circumstances I am in now. Sweeping the floor with the broom, going over it with the damp swiffer pad. I choose. I choose to live my life powerfully, as an agent of my own goals instead of as a victim of circumstance. I choose to go forward with my plans, however I must. I choose to love, and to support, and to be who I need to be in order to do what I need to do in order to have what I want to have for myself and my life. The floor is clean. The way is clear. It is time to go out into the world, to turn the corner, and trust it my ability to handle whatever lies beyond my field of vision.