Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Stages of pleasuring

I have lived an interesting life. Before I reached puberty I witnessed a wider variety of sexual intercourse than most adults see in their lifetimes. As a child, I did not know that other kid's parents only slept with each other. I did not know that the limit was usually two adults to a bed--my parents always seemed to have friends in their bed--nor that sex is usually reserved for the bedroom. I did not know that boys having sex with boys and girls having sex with girls was taboo. I did not know that nudity in the home was uncommon, etc.

Masturbation was something we were very open about. When I was 4 or 5 and my mom found me touching myself in a sunny spot in the living room, she didn't slap my hand. Instead, she told me that if I wanted to do that it was probably best to do it in my room. I understood early on that sex was something grown-ups did, and it was not something I was eager to rush into. It did not have the secrecy, the shame, or the thrill of the forbidden for me that it did for most kids. In this environment, my sexual identity flourished, unfettered by the boundaries most people develop. I am free, uninhibited--my sexual self is fully expressed. But this does not mean I am promiscuous or indiscriminate, an assumption that mainstream, vanilla humanity tends to make when they catch wind of my lifestyle.

I am polyamorous. I date a wide variety of people. I have sex with two of them. Most of the ones who are not my lovers I have been dating for a year and more. I form deep, intense connections rather quickly, but I do not rush into sexual intercourse, or sexual intimacy for that matter. Without a mental connection, sex is just a form of exercise that may or may not result in orgasm, and if I want to cum, no one can do it better for me than I can.

Recently someone asked me what I did do with these people if I did not have sex with them. Heh. It depends. Some get kisses, which may not sound like much, but I have it on good authority that kissing me is better than some sex people have had. Kissing is wonderful, delicious, arousing. It makes me feel sooo good. It is its own journey and destination. Then there is frottage. I love to frot with people I feel connected to. I'm very good with my hands after so many years of practicing massage. I like pleasuring others with my hands and I love the rub of bodies against each other, both languidly and with rising urgency. I haven't dated a woman for a while but there is nothing quite like scissoring with a woman, rubbing together on a dance floor or in bed, lost in the tribadic subset of frottage. Mutual masturbation (to orgasm) and languissement is something I've experienced with two of the men who are not my lovers.
Lastly, there is the intercrural form of 'outercourse'. This is very intimate and little different from actual coitus save there is no penetration... just delicious friction and body movements that simulate coitus. I particularly enjoy it from behind, while spooning. There is someone I am dating that I am approaching this stage with. We had a frot session a couple of weeks ago that had my roommate convinced I was having some amazing sex, when in fact he was worshipping my back with his mouth and grinding himself against me in a way that had me moaning deliriously with pleasure. Or maybe it was the nipple-play that had me moaning that way? Its a sensual blur, to be sure.

The point is that there are many ways to enjoy others, many stages of pleasuring without sexual intercourse, depending on the level of mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy I feel I have with that person. We each define 'sex' differently, and pleasure, particularly pleasure that results in sexual arousal, is so nuanced. So coloured by the experiences of childhood and adolescence. So limited and charged and judged by social mores and conditioning. I've thought about my sexuality, the stages of sexual arousal and pleasure, about intimacy and what it means to love and be with--to really love and be with--others. Have you?

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such a fine line it is that separates those who would sustain the promise of myriad pleasures for their own sake at the expense of a lasting love from those who would sustain the promise of a lasting love at the expense of myriad pleasures. Might there not be a balance to be struck between the two, or better yet, a balance that would take the best from both? Such a question, I believe, is worthy of both lovers of myriad pleasures whose variety is endless and masters of a single lasting love whose depths and heights are as bottomless and limitless as they are sacred and divine.

- SacredTouch

2:50 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger kujmous said...

New License Tag: [INV P0LY].
Read: I envy "poly"

What scares me is that READING your thoughts on intimacy and pleasure is more enticing than most sex I have had. As you described your kisses, I found it personally challenging just to keep my grip on the mouse. I am still learning to return such a "favor."

2:56 AM, August 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, I've never come across the word "languissement", and following the associated link just made me horny. The word reminds me of langostinos which I think are like tiny little lobsters or some other crustacians that restaurants try to pawn off as lobster-esque. I doubt your word shares the same latin root, though maybe it involves two people circling around each other in a confined space, backing each other into corners and then climbing all over each other. Hmmm, that sounds sexy....

Anyway, what in the heck is languissement?


5:24 AM, August 20, 2007  
Blogger KR Silkenvoice said...

Languissement is a french word which can be translasted as "languishing", and is often used to describe "languishing in love". However, colloquially, it is used to describe oral sex, because it begins with the french word for tongue "langue." In English we do not have a word or phrase for oral sex that has the beauty and eroticism of "languissement" and so I prefer the french word.

6:53 AM, August 20, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mmmmmm, much better than lobster sex. Thanks for the latin love lesson on languidly lavishing lascvicious licking loinward.


10:53 AM, August 20, 2007  
Blogger figleaf said...

That's all so nicely put, SilkenVoice! I agree that kissing is just... mmmm! And I really appreciated your exposition on all the different degrees of frottage. I've always felt that some of the most intense sex I've ever had has been while I've been fully dressed with my partners, kissing heatedly, and grinding away. Now I've got not just one but an elegant array of terms more graceful than "grinding" or "dry humping." Thanks for that.

Take care,


5:11 AM, October 18, 2007  

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