Tuesday, October 24, 2006

feeling like a sunflower with a head so heavy it faces the ground

Today I feel like a sunflower with a head so heavy it faces the ground.

I am bothered by my awareness that I have become a walking contradiction in the two years since I entered therapy. So much of my psyche is in disarray. I feel like I've been exhuming bodies and doing post-mortem examinations. I've got an RIP pile for re-burial and pile for cremation and another for revisitation at a later date when I can handle it. And then there are the graves I'm walking past, not even ready to start digging those things up. Is it really necessary? Espedcially now, when my plate is so full?

A conversation with A. at a recent snuggle made me think. He is a life coach and we talked a bit about my feelings that I've gotten all I can out of therapy, that I'm tired of searching the past, that I want to think more about moving forward, and addressing where I am 'blocked' as I do so. He said that is what life coaches do. They help you figure out what it is that you really want, and help you to get out of your own way.

On the surface, I seem so calm, even after my fifth half-hour-long nose bleed in 8 days. J and I have talked about this, about my concern about this serene facade. Only he says it is not a facade. He said my true self is centered and knowing, that it is what is pulling me toward resolving the past so I can truly live in the now. He tells me that the chaos and the flaring emotions are the surface, they are the facade, and that the serenity that I usually feel and that others often sense is my core-self. He gave me a little pep talk about not letting short-term setbacks distract me from my long-rage goals. And he reminded me to be compassionate with myself. He asked me to go to meditation at the Buddhist Priory tonite. I almost said yes, but I'm so tired tonite. So drained. Somewhat sad. And a little scared.

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Blogger kujmous said...

I am no coach, and I have not been so saddened in a long time. All I can offer is time where you matter most. Let me know if you need any.

2:01 PM, October 29, 2006  

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