Anguish

Anguish is my constant companion these days.
Anguish burns, did you know?
It sears the soul.
I am surprised no one can see it, see the conflagration of emotion running just beneath my skin.
Especially when sympathy is offered.
Why does sympathy act as an accelerant?
It accentuates the anguish.
I am not hiding from this pain.
I let it fill me and then release it, hoping joy will take its place.
Seeking a moment's serenity.
Knowing the current will flow and anguish will return once again.
The inevitable cycle of suffering.
Anguish
I braid her hair in my dreams.
I brush it out, that thick glossy hair the colours of chocolate, and twine it between my fingers.
Anguish
She's fallen again.
She's pulled her PICC line out twice.
Anguish
The hospital has assigned someone to her 24-7.
There is someone with her 24-7 and its not me.
Anguish
The lotuses are in bloom and she cannot see them.
The cherries are sweet and she cannot eat them.
Anguish
I danced Sunday and she cannot walk.
The sun is warm on my skin and she is cold.
Anguish
She is dying and I must accept what I cannot accept.
This is the wrong ending. The wrong ending. The wrong ending!
Anguish