Monday, August 28, 2006

Anguish


Anguish is my constant companion these days.
Anguish burns, did you know?
It sears the soul.
I am surprised no one can see it, see the conflagration of emotion running just beneath my skin.
Especially when sympathy is offered.
Why does sympathy act as an accelerant?
It accentuates the anguish.
I am not hiding from this pain.
I let it fill me and then release it, hoping joy will take its place.
Seeking a moment's serenity.
Knowing the current will flow and anguish will return once again.
The inevitable cycle of suffering.
Lotus (c) KR SilkenvoiceAnguish
I braid her hair in my dreams.
I brush it out, that thick glossy hair the colours of chocolate, and twine it between my fingers.
Anguish
She's fallen again.
She's pulled her PICC line out twice.
Anguish
The hospital has assigned someone to her 24-7.
There is someone with her 24-7 and its not me.
Anguish
The lotuses are in bloom and she cannot see them.
The cherries are sweet and she cannot eat them.
Anguish
I danced Sunday and she cannot walk.
The sun is warm on my skin and she is cold.
Anguish
She is dying and I must accept what I cannot accept.
This is the wrong ending. The wrong ending. The wrong ending!
Anguish

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1 Comments:

Blogger zezrie said...

I am sorry you are in such pain. Watching someone you love die is a particular kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, yet I know I will eventually have to do it again until my own death. Grief is truly the 800lb gorilla in the room; you can't go around it, climb over it or ignore it. You have to hug it, though you hate it. Then eventually, it lets you go.
Hugs to you, and hang in there.
Zezrie

11:07 AM, August 29, 2006  

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