Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Help me choose my new site layout(s)!

So far it looks like my decision to re-brand my podcast as "Silken on Sex" was a good one.

On Jan 13th I Tweeted: "My Silken on Sex podcast is up to #21 in the iTunes Sexuality category! Getting there--I was at #7 a month ago before my old RSS failed." 10 days later it was at #3, and seems to be holding steady in the #4 - #7 range. It only took 5 weeks to recover. But... I've not seen my sales recover. And I've now got about 1000 more listeners than before. I am sure part of it is the economy, but I'm not going to take the easy way out and blame it on circumstances beyond my control.

I'm certain that  a lot of it is my AudioSensual website.  It isn't as smooth and silken as one might expect from my voice -- so I've been working (for months) on a site re-design.  And because I don't know the first thing about javascript or css stylesheets or CMS platforms, and can barely navigate Dreamweaver, it was going rather slowly. In fact, my site re-design project had stalled completely by the time the original podcast crashed. I was thinking about aggressively putting money aside so I could get a real web-designer involved. A friend of mind recommended Joomla to me a few months ago but I was rather intimidated by it, so I didn't explore it further.

I admit I've been feeling a bit glum and my partner has been amazing. He put me in touch with a friend of his who does SEO optimization and marketing and she asked me some great questions that dovetailed with some of the one's he's been asking. He's been working in the e-Commerce arena in some form or other for over a decade, so he's made some great suggestions and asked me to clarify my vision for "Silkenvoice." Which I've been doing, with some difficulty, since I'm terrible with drawing free-hand and not much better with graphic design. He recommended I use a CMS like Drupal for building an integrated site, and has been teaching me how to make good use of Google Analytics and the stats from my hosting company, Go Daddy.

I looked at a LOT of sites this weekend, particularly the sites for podcasts in my category (sexuality) as well as others that use the podcast as part of a commercial enterprise. I liked some of what I saw, and didn't like some of what I saw.  And what I didn't like was the amateurish sites, and the obviously Blog*Spot ones, of which mine are both. So... I started looking at Blogger themes and widgets with an eye toward making a more professional-looking site. In the process my search engine turned up CMS again, and Joomla and WordPress. The latter made me do a double-take.  WordPress (which I have a rudimentary knowledge of) isn't just a blog software, it is a CMS platform, and has plugins and widgets for doing everything from generating sitemaps and robot.txt files to providing product sale/purchase platforms.  And the themes! Oh heavens, there are thousands upon thousands of themes, and finally, finally I found ones I like that made it possible to have a blog and a podcast and a shop and whatever else I want, all with nice, slick, silken-smooth and aesthetically pleasing pages with properties that populate to all the pages under that theme automagically.

So now I am in the process of setting up some tests of the various themes that I like and I'm asking for volunteers to contact me if they want to (and have the time to) look at the functional mock-ups, answer a few questions, and give comments of their own. So please pop me an email at tester [at] silkenvoice . com and I'll send you the particulars.

Once I've got that up and running, I'll actually work on getting some pertinent affiliate links / ads on my site to generate a bit of revenue, too.

Thank you in advance!
------------------------------
PS: The Silken on Sex podcast comes out every Wednesday, so look for it in the wee hours of the morning tomorrow.


Want more Silkenvoice?
Support my work with a small (and welcome) donation.
Get my AudioSensual CD on iTunes or Amazon.com
Visit my Erotic Audio Site: www.AudioSensual.com
Listen to Silken on Sex: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Read my Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Monday, January 25, 2010

Last month I got a call from an old lover of mine with whom I have maintained contact all these years (We went our separate ways in 1993). He said he wanted to do a psychic reading for me, and for me to think about a question and he'd call me back in an hour. I've never had a psychic reading before -- at least, not intentionally -- So I wasn't sure what to expect, but  I agreed to be available when he called back, and to have that question waiting for him. Below is the question I asked, the cards he pulled for me (in order), and his read on them:


Will I be able to make a living as Silkenvoice? 

1. Foundation Achievement card:  Anything you do will be successful -- You can put out into the universe what you expect and the universe will create it for you.  This card also represents family in some way.

2. Heartache and Loss card: When heartache and loss come, step back and reflect on what you want.

3. Standing Your Ground card: Stand by what you believe or what you want to do -- don't let others discourage you.

4. Emotional Loss card:  Something you wanted to do but didn't pursue will be a source of feelings of loss.

5. Spiritual Strength card (next to Standing Your Ground):  You have spiritual strength, and will become more and more spiritual as you get older.

6. Hope card: Life is like a playground for you; don't worry about negativity or it will become a block; remain hopeful.

7. Mental Conflict: You will find yourself wondering what direction you should move forward on -- go with your intuition.

8. Triumph card (above heartache and loss):  All will go well, all will turn out well.

9. Recognition/Rewards:  Business is picking up -- will pick up -- will develop into other things: the acorn will become a tree.

10. Disruption/Destruction card (running parallel with mental conflict card): I see you torn in 4 different directions -- lots of pans in the fire, not sure where to concentrate -- slow down, meditate, think about what you want to do.

11. Positive Movement Forward card (individual in a boat heading toward a sunset): Moving forward, all will go well if you are moving in the right direction for you.

12. Rejoicing and Celebration card (3 people toasting with a goblet of something): There are more positive, great things coming with the direction you are going -- lots of happiness and celebration.

13. Suffering in Silence card: Even though in the future you will rejoice, there is the idea connecting with emotional loss that there are going to be some things that bother you when you're older that you didn't complete... something started and not fulfilled (regrets). Overall balance of life though, the regrets will be outweighed by celebration.

Summary: Take time to reflect on what I want out of life. Contemplate, then choose. Overall -- When I look back at my life I'll say "Wow, look at what I've done!"


Answer to question: Will I be able to make a living as Silkenvoice? YES

The most peculiar thing about this reading is that he did it just a couple of days before my AudioSensual podcast RSS had technical difficulties that resulted in it being de-listed from iTunes. This might not sound like a bit deal, but it was.  The podcast was the main venue for driving sales to my Erotic Audio site AudioSensual.com as well as my AudioSensual Erotic Shorts CD. When the podcast went down, so did my sales revenue, and in the resulting period of distress, I forgot the details of the Reading, until I stumbled upon my notes today.

Within the context of the Reading and its central question, my radical, pattern-making brain is picking over the cards.

#2: Heartache and Loss -- Well, I guess the loss of the podcast and the revenue stream in December, and my sister's car accident and related family drama could be what he saw coming. His recommendation with regards to it was to "step back and reflect on what you want." Which, interestingly enough, is what my lover has been encouraging me to do, again and again, all month.

I have been seriously re-considering my choice to pursue making a living doing what I love rather than return to Corporate America. I even checked a few job sites, but the pickings are slim in my field right now, and the few openings I've seen would require commutes of 2 to 3 hours a day. This is where #3 Standing Your Ground comes in, I suppose. Stand by what I want to do and don't be discouraged -- because card #1 indicates that whatever I put out into the universe as an expectation will be created. OK, I can handle that.

I'm not quite sure what #4 will represent within the context of him saying it will be with regards to something I wanted to do but didn't pursue (unless it is giving up on my dream). I suppose time will tell. However, the subject of my spirituality and the strength of it (#5) has come up repeatedly since the Reading. I am not sure of the significance of it being near the Stand Your Ground card, except perhaps if I am steadfast in my choice to make a living as a writer and narrator of erotica that I will find it a source of spiritual strength, too.  #6 is an injunction to be hopeful, not negative, because I become blocked if I do.

#7 is about mental conflict, which he said to resolve by going with my intuition. Which is interesting at this time because I am in the process of re-thinking everything I am up to, and I have been following my intuition, all the while I am being pulled in different directions (#10) with regards to family, friends, lovers, traveling, and the various income opportunities that are surfacing. On this card (#10) he said to slow down, meditate, and think about what I want to do, which is rather similar to what he said on card #2.

#8, #9, and #12 (along with #1) seem to indicate success, triumph, rewards, joy and celebration. It is fun thinking that he sees that in my future, and that it will be so even given the two "loss" cards (#2 & #4) early on in the Reading. He tied #13, Suffering in silence, to card #4's "regret about something started and not fulfilled, but states that overall, my regrets will be outweighed by the great life I'll live.

Exciting!  I'm posting this out here so I can look back at it sometime in the future and (hopefully) marvel at the accuracy.


Want more Silkenvoice?
Support my work with a small (and welcome) donation.
Get my AudioSensual CD on iTunes or Amazon.com
Visit my Erotic Audio Site: www.AudioSensual.com
Listen to Silken on Sex: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Read my Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Friday, January 22, 2010

My imaginary friend: The G-Spot

Soon to appear in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is a study involving 1,800 women (900 twins) that found no proof of the G-spot in the women they questioned. Questioned, not even examined. And this despite the fact that more than 50 percent of the women questioned, many of them young women, did indeed insist they had a G-spot -- but their sisters were no more likely to make the same claim, the scientists said, leading them to conclude that if a female claims to have a G-spot, it is only because she thinks she has one.
I'm sorry, but this is like saying a recent study proved the foreskin is a myth because all the twins they questioned were circumcised! And this, despite anecdotal evidence to the contrary. Ask any woman who can squirt if she has a G-spot. The answer is "Hell yeah!" But then again, I am sure the same scientists would debunk squirting as a myth, too!  And by the way, shouldn't the study have been performed in a society that is more open about sexuality and sexual pleasure? No offense intended, but the British are notoriously sexually repressed. 

Interested in learning more about the controversy? Here are some links:
What An Anti-Climax: G-Spot Is A Myth [TimesOnline]
The G-spot 'doesn't appear to exist' [BBC News]
The real G-spot myth [Guardian]
Sexy G-spot a myth [NY Post]
The Great G-Spot Debate [Salon]
G-spot is a myth! [Times of India]
Scientists Say “G-Spot” Doesn’t Actually Exist [Jezebel]
Sorry Ladies, Study Finds G-spot May Be Myth [Fox News]
How a group of scientists made the G-spot disappear [Susie Bright]
Death of the g-spot 'myth'? [Daily Loaf]

Want more Silkenvoice?
Support my work with a small (and welcome) donation.
Get my AudioSensual CD on iTunes or Amazon.com
Visit my Erotic Audio Site: www.AudioSensual.com
Listen to Silken on Sex: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Read my Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

I proposed: the Supreme Court made me do it

Tonight I asked him to marry me.

The news I was expecting to hear (but hoped for a miracle anyway) materialized.

No, I'm not talking about the election in Massachusetts.

I'm talking about the Supreme Court decision today to include Corporations under the umbrella of the First Amendment. The possible repercussions, the inevitability of them, swamped my emotional boat.

When he told me about the decision, I asked my lover to promise to take me with him when he moves back to Canada. He laughed and said "Sure!"

"How do I become Canadian?" I asked him a little later, after the full weight of the situation settled on me. He chuckled, barely turning his eyes away from the work he was engrossed in.

I gripped his hair with my fingers and pulled his head back. I looked him in the eye and said, "Will you marry me?"

More laughter from both of us. I am so not the marrying kind. I noticed that he didn't say yes. But he didn't say no, either.

"I'm at least 51% serious," I said, "We've got 4 to 6 years and then its Snow Crash." The book by Neal Stephenson, written about 20 years ago.

"I was just thinking that, too." He replied.

And then he held me.  I nearly asked my employer for a transfer to Canada when Bush was re-elected, and instead, did my best to participate in my local communities while the National political nightmare unfolded. But this Supreme Court decision, well, it has the potential to be insidious, to invade and usurp local and community politics, pervading even the ability of people to govern commercial zoning, exert control over the products being used and sold in schools, etc etc.

Normally a very positive person, willing and able to create a positive future for myself and others, today, all I forsee is... a descent into an even more corporatized government. Even dictators die. Corporations don't. They file for bankruptcy protection and get the government to bail them out, and then they keep going, generation after generation. I feel sick.

I've a feeling that one day I'll be writing from British Columbia, not as a vacationer, but as a resident -- and possibly as a married one. Heh. That makes me laugh. Finally.

Want more Silkenvoice?
Support my work with a small (and welcome) donation.
Get my AudioSensual CD on iTunes or Amazon.com
Visit my Erotic Audio Site: www.AudioSensual.com
Listen to Silken on Sex: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
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Haunting Dream

I was in a house. It felt like my house, though it was mostly empty, and I was waiting.

I heard sounds and went downstairs and my lover was there, with some workmen.

He looked very surprised to see me and pulled me aside, into another room.

He said, "What are you doing here?"

I stood there, with every bit of love I felt filling me, shining out of me.

"Waiting for you," I answered.

He looked surprised, looked like he didn't know what to say next.

"I have just one question for you," I said to him. "Did you try to contact me even once in the past two months?"

His eyes fell away from mine. "No," he said. "I've been very busy with work, very distracted."

It felt like a literal blow to my chest. There was a "whomp" feeling there, like the feeling I get when I'm at a fireworks display and they launch the canisters into the air.

Something fell out of me, fell from chest height and shattered like a pane of heavy glass, showering our feet with shards of light.

I woke up crying. Shivering. My chest aching. Still partly in my dream-state, I watched myself push past him, heard myself say, "You broke my heart. I never want to see you again."

I lay in bed for a few minutes, disoriented and soaked with dread.

"It was just a dream," I told myself, but I couldn't shake it, couldn't shake that pressure in my chest, that horrible heart-broken feeling. Tears fell, and shivers rocked me.

I got up from my bed and went to his, crawling up to him, saying "I had a bad dream."

And he pulled the covers back and said, "Put your head on my heart," and I did, my hands gluing themselves to him.

His heart beating in my ear, I shuddered against him, and tears fell on his chest.

"You broke my heart," I said to him, and my voice sounded like a child's, plaintive, and faintly accusing.

The arm around my shoulder tightened. I told him the details of the dream.

"Do you hear that?" He asked. "That sound in my chest? Lub-dub. Lub-dub?"

I nodded my head. His heart beat strongly in my ear.

"I love you double," he said. "Love-doub, Love-doub."

My smile surprised me. I wanted to groan over the bad play on words, but couldn't. He hugged me close, and slowly the pain seeped out of me. The last time I woke up crying was from a dream about my sister.

I got up from his bed. He needed to get going, I knew. He had to be at a meeting in 15 minutes.

A few minutes later I was standing at the bank of windows in the living room, looking out at the rain, when he slipped his arms around me. The feelings from the dream still draped me like a pall, but they were far less crushing than just a quarter-hour earlier.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

I folded my arms over his, hugging him back.

"Much," I answered.

"Good," he said.

With one last squeeze, he turned away in search of an umbrella, his mind already distracted with his work.


Want more Silkenvoice?
Support my work with a small (and welcome) donation.
Get my AudioSensual CD on: iTunes or Amazon.com
Visit my Erotic Audio Site: www.AudioSensual.com
Listen to Silken on Sex: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Read my Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Monday, January 18, 2010

The First Amendment, Feminists, and Our Christian Nation

I am one of those feminists who often finds herself at odds with other feminists. My mother was an old-school Andrea Dworkin-style lesbian separatist. I went to a women's college, the same one that produced Betty Friedan (when I met her at a reunion she was a sharp-tongued, witty, and crotchety old woman) and Gloria Steinem, and, well, lets just say that the fact that I subscribed to Playboy raised more than a few eyebrows. For years I stopped self-identifying as a feminist because the young women around me demanded such conformity of opinions, particularly when it came to things like "pornography". It always seemed to me that the distinction between healthy erotic objectification of women and exploitation of women was being missed, to the detriment of women, men, and families. On occasion I would quote Betty Freidan to my cohorts: "To suppress free speech in the name of protecting women is dangerous and wrong." But most people don't want to consider differing opinions. People cling to their own opinions like they do to their faith in their religions.

Even though my days at what FrontPageMag.com called "Radical Feminist U" are far behind me, I keep up with what women are doing out there in the world to further the empowerment of women. Feminists for Free Expression has a great site that I visit periodically, and when I visited earlier today I noticed a call for essays on how the First Amendment impacts our lives, as well a note that a recent survey revealed that young people don't consider the First Amendment to be an important factor in their lives.

I decided to respond for their call for submission with the following essay:


I find it ironic that young people, who constantly complain about being told what they can and cannot do or say, would think that the First Amendment is not vital to their lives. One could see that as an indictment of our educational system, if our educational system wasn't a reflection of societal values. I don't blame our educators, who are doing the best they can within the stifling framework we provide, but rather today's intellectually lazy children and their parents, who, for the most part, don't want their children educated so much as baby-sat. And certainly this apathy works for civic and religious leaders to whom freethinking is a threat, always a threat, to the status quo.

As a writer and narrator of erotica, the First Amendment and the Rights it protects are of great importance to me. There are people out there who would, without ever reading or listening to my work, determine that it is obscene and without merit, and would love to shut me up. Since the First Amendment protects my right to express myself and be published, they cannot stop me, however, they can try to censor me, to moderate how I express myself, and to reduce the venues for that self-expression under the guise of protecting others from my words. Despite the opposition I endure and the censure I receive, I continue to give voice to the sensual immediacy of life. Why? Because it seems wrong to me that people are so repressed and knotted-up about something as integral to their being as their sexuality.

The obsession with sexuality and sexual repression endemic in this country is engendered by the revealed religions like Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. This is supposedly a Christian Nation and Christians seem to think that sex is dirty and the urge to copulate must be repressed, and therefore, anything that inflames the libido, intentionally or not, must be eradicated. What most forget is that the actual Founders of this country, the ones who declared Independence and wrote the Constitution, were Deists, not Christians, and in fact many of them were anti-Christian.

While the first European settlers of this land were indeed the fanatical religious rejects from Northern Europe, The Founders were children of the Age of Enlightenment and the Age of Reason, and their distrust of the centralized power of government and Christian fanaticism is addressed by the First Amendment's guarantees.  George Washington, John Adams, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, and Ethan Allen were Deists. Thomas Paine, a prominent American Revolutionary, wrote an indictment of institutionalized religions and the political and financial power-grabbing of the Christian Churches in his book The Age of Reason. Thomas Jefferson, whose is name and image is known to every American, was anti-Christian. He despised the religion, and stated in his Notes on Virginia: "Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor over each other. Is uniformity  attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, and imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch toward uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one-half the world fools and the other half hypocrites."

Fool I may be for insisting in the value and necessity of upholding the First Amendment, but a hypocrite I am not. Thank you, FFE, for your efforts to preserve our rights to produce and access the materials, media, and messages of our own choosing.

Want more Silkenvoice?
My AudioSensual CD: on iTunes or Amazon.com
My Erotic Audio Site: www.Audiosensual.com
My Silkenvoice Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
My Erotic Podcast: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Polyamory: Safer-sex

I received an email from someone the other day asking:
Hey Silken, this whole polyamory thing makes me nervous because I'm paranoid about getting an STD.  Doesn't being poly increase your risk of STDs? I'd think poly people practice safe sex, but doesn't that get in the way of intimacy?

 1) There is no such thing as "safe sex".  Not even masturbation is safe sex, since you can give yourself something if you don't keep your toys clean. So, when we take precautions, it is safer-sex, but its still not 100% safe.


2) Practicing safer-sex is very, very important. But in poly-sexual situations it is critical. This is the 300# gorilla in the room that no one wants to talk about because it may seem paranoid, untrusting, crude, or melodramatic. As a proponent of polyamory, I am also an advocate of safer-sex practices, because the last thing I want to do is transmit something to someone I love.


3) Some people think that practicing safer-sex means using a condom during intercourse. This is naive, almost criminally so. If you are using condoms when you fuck but not when you suck him, or don't use gloves and a barrier when you are giving her oral, then you aren't practicing safer sex, you are playing at it. (Read more about how to have Safer Sex at About.com)


4) Polyamory is Polynomial. In the not too distant past, I had three partners. Three. Now lets do the math. If I have three partners, and each of them has one other partner, and each of their one-others has one-other, how many body-fluids are possibly being inter-exchanged? 10. That is a lot of semen and vaginal secretions, saliva and mucous membranes, and if I hadn't been scrupulous about screening my sex/play partners, then I put myself and everyone I was with, and everyone they were with, at risk.


5) Everyone who is sexually active in non-exclusive relationships should have regular screenings for STIs (sexually transmitted infections). You may trust your partner(s), but do you trust your partner's partners? Is your inner circle sexually responsible enough for fluid-bonding (Don't know what fluid bonding is, read this clear explanation at SmartSexTalk.com)? There are many stories of fluid-bonded couples who have had to go back to using barriers because one of them had poorly-protected sex or took on a secondary partner who couldn't provide proof of recent screenings and the other partner(s) felt it was prudent to practice safer-sex during the 6 month testing interim. 


6) The importance of confidentiality and/or anonymity for screening. Consider whether or not to use your insurer / primary physician for screenings. I know we are in the middle of a health care crisis and reform, and Insurers are Big Brother in all this. The have the pot of gold, they want to keep it to themselves, and they use your medical records to discriminate against you. If they know that you are regularly tested for STIs, they may consider that an indicator of "risky behavior" (rather than health maintenance) and drop you or raise your rates. There are companies out there like getSTDtested.com, as well as various local clinics, that offer testing at a variety of rates without compromising your medical history.



Just a few anecdotes:
   It is not uncommon for poly-couples to have a contract for themselves and their secondary partners -- contracts that are reviewed and signed prior to intimacy, not after. Such contracts often require that all partners be tested semi-annually, disclose any and all exposures, and to use barriers during sex for at least six months before considering moving to a "fluid-bonded" status. I've been presented with and signed more than a few of these over the years and I've always found them to be an affirmation of my judgment in my partners.


STIs can show up in surprising places:

   I have some friends in a monogamous relationship that were "serial-monogamy sluts" before they got married. They didn't realize they had genital herpes until he had a flare-up -- in his eye. He is one of those pussy-eaters who really likes to rub his face in it, soaking himself from his hairline to his chin. They aren't sure who gave it to whom, and though they've tried to notify past partners, for them, its too late. They've got it for life, and he gets to worry about going blind if he doesn't keep it under control.

   I have another friend who learned that a wart on her husband's finger have been transmitted to her vaginal and anal openings. The treatment was embarrassing, extremely unpleasant, and so painful she screamed every time she went pee for a week.

The message of this post? Even monogamous couples transmit STI's to each other. Practicing safer-sex isn't just about taking care of you: it is about taking care of the ones you love, and the ones they love, too. Yes, you might think it would interfere with intimacy -- if intimacy was just about sex. In my book, sexual intimacy (as delicious as it can be) is just the icing on the cake.


Want more Silkenvoice?
My AudioSensual CD: on iTunes or Amazon.com
My Erotic Audio Site: www.Audiosensual.com
My Silkenvoice Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
My Erotic Podcast: SilkenPodcast.blogspot.com
Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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Saturday, January 09, 2010

Accepting Responsibility: In Defence of My Beloved

In publicly airing my conversation-with-myself regarding My Beloved, I've gotten interesting feedback from people, and there is a specific kind of feedback I'm going to address here.

Some people perceive the agony I experienced when he cut me off and they say (or think) something along the lines of "Wow, what a jerk, he hurt you very deeply. How can you have anything to do with him now?"

For the record, we both did things that caused each other pain, but it was never intentional. The one time I did lash out at him, and said deliberately hurtful things to him, he went to his then-girlfriend-eventual-spouse for help and their conversation resulted in her saying something like "She's nuts, you broke up well over a year ago, you need to protect yourself and put some serious distance between you." Whether her motivation for those words had to do with wanting David to herself, or (I hope) motivated out of genuine concern based upon a lack of context, I'll never know. David didn't tell her that the behavior I exhibited that day was Very Unusual for me. He did not take the time to ask himself questions as to why I might have said those things, because he was still reeling from the painful impact of my words. And we all know how good I am with words, so imagine just how effective I could be if I wanted to be hurtful.

If he had been in a more rational place, or if he'd gotten different advice, things might have been different. And if I hadn't reacted as I had, things might have been different. There are things I didn't tell him that were very important. He knew about my Grandmother's death, but not my mother's, or Carol's, or Gerald's. He didn't know about the abuse from S. He didn't know why I'd so completely freaked out on him over his half-assed procrastinated fulfillment of a promise -- he only knew that I had. And here is where accepting responsibility for my own pain comes into play.

Yes, D was my soul mate, and him cutting me off was incredibly painful. But I turned that pain on myself. I didn't have the tools to handle so much loss or grieve such losses, and his disappearance from my life resonated with a time and place when 9-year-old me was dropped off at the Grandparent's by Mommy and didn't see her again for 8 years. So, emotionally, with regards our situation, I was 30 going on 10. I made my mother's abandonment mean there was something wrong with me, that I was not worthy of being loved. And I essentially did the same thing with D. I chose to see what he did, not as an act of self-defense, but as both abandonment and fundamental rejection. At a time when I really needed my soul mate, he'd walked away from me, shut the door, and barred it, ignoring my infrequent knocks. It didn't matter that I hadn't told him Very Important Things he needed to know that might have tempered his reaction. Like a mother, a soul mate is supposed to be there for you and love you always, no matter what, right? Uh, yeah. Right.

We hurt each other. And we accept responsibility for that. And the harm we did to ourselves in the aftermath -- we each accept responsibility for what we did to ourselves, too, rather than blame the other. It is important to make that distinction. He's not responsible for my suffering. My suffering was entirely subjective--it was the consequence of my mental and emotional responses to my experiences of pain and loss. Eventually,  I found the way to alleviate my suffering, to transform it, to turn it into something transformational and transcendent rather than a perpetual cycle of tragedy and drama.

I obliterated him from my life story because I didn't have the tools to process the pain, and when I did go into therapy, my relationship with him didn't come up for processing. So in trying to find a way to relate with him in the context of my life today, I'm processing the past as fairly and efficiently as possible.

It is important for us to be complete with regards to the past, so it does not cloud today and tomorrow. If you've got any ex's in your life that you've loaded a lot of emotional baggage onto like a scapegoat, I'd encourage you to examine the role you played in your own suffering, process it, accept responsibility, make any necessary apologies, and then get on with your life. Real as it may seem at times, the past pales in comparison to the immediacy of the present.

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Kayar
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Thursday, January 07, 2010

Feeling fortunate

There are certain qualities I like in my men. Sitting in the same space with My Beloved and My Lover, it was quite obvious. Physically they are very different. M is dark of eyes and hair, while D is fair. M is slender and smooth-skinned. D is nearly 6" taller and hairy. But they both have those hands. The hands of an artist or a surgeon: graceful, long-fingered, expressive. They are both introverts, though D makes the effort to be outgoing. Low-key and yet intense. They are both deliberate speakers. Thoughtful, they choose their words carefully. They are both highly intelligent, and comfortable with it -- geeks in the sense of being techno-fetishists. They have the systematizing, mathematical, analytical minds. Delightful senses of humor, with a penchant for puns and other word-play. They have a British influence to their upbringing and their tastes in food. Neither cares much for alcohol or vegetables. They are playful, love to learn and travel, enjoy being touched to the point that they purr, and are very aural. They know how to Be Present in the moment. They have alpha male qualities but don't flaunt them. And they are keenly sensitive. I won't go into the sensitivities because they are not mine to share, but like me they experience the world very keenly, to the point of debility at times. The other men with whom I've been intimate over the years have many, if not all, of these same qualities.

I enjoyed that the two of them seemed comfortable with each other. For most people it would seem counter-intuitive -- a recipe for disaster -- putting the man who was, for all intents and purposes, my common-law ex-husband in the same room with my current lover, a man who expressed an interest in me while D and I were still together a decade ago. But they are kindred spirits, the kind of people who know each other upon first meeting on a level far deeper than the ass-sniffing and territory-marking behavior one expects of most men in that situation.

M is in the midst of a life-changing project and his mind churns problem-sets in the background most of the time, something I accept for now because I understand the potential pay-offs, even as I miss the attentiveness, the focus, to which I have become accustomed these past few years. D seemed to understand what that M's distance wasn't disinterest. He gets where M is -- we've had other friends make it big in Silicon Valley and we both know the effort it takes to bootstrap a company to the point of attaining those life-changing rewards.

M is secure in who he is and how I feel about him, and so he does not worry about D the way most men would. He is not concerned about the time I spend with D -- there are no worries about loss or relationship-changing developments, and when he misses me, he lets me know when he wants time with me -- just as I do with him. Which reminds me, once again, about how much I love the way we communicate.

I'm a lucky woman. And I've got great taste in men :)



Want more Silkenvoice?
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Kayar
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Two years ago today

Two years ago today, my 38 year old sister suffered the massive brain hemorrhage which is the official cause of her death. She went to the emergency room complaining of a Very Bad Headache. It was one of more than 20 visits to that hospital in the previous year, and thinking it was just more of the agony related to pancreatitis-induced malnutrition, they sent her home with a prescription for Tylenol #3. A few hours later she was back at the hospital, this time, in a coma. On the morning of January 8th, she was declared brain dead. At the time of her death she weighed 80#, down 100# from two years previous. Photos of her that New Years Eve show an ethereal pixie. She glowed, as if the barrier that held her life-force within her had thinned considerably. Egg-shell thin. She knew she was dying. She'd been on hospice care for months. She'd already said her goodbyes, and asked everyone to let her go. "I'm so tired," she said at Thanksgiving. "I'm ready to go be with Mom."

Today, I can write this without sobbing uncontrollably. The tears are there, yes, hovering under my eyelids, threatening to spill, but they break the surface tension one at a time, these tears, rolling slowly down my cheeks. I miss her. God how I miss her. But I'm not angry any more, just terribly sad. I thought we'd grow old together, me and her, be two weird old ladies together, laughing until we needed to pee, helping each other down the steps, chastising our other sister's grandchildren and great-grandchildren for being, well, children.

I suppose we'll still grow old together, in my mind. But for now she is still young, glowing with that terrible beauty I've only seen in those near death, smiling her little girl smile, and giggling.

Miss you, sis.

Want more Silkenvoice?
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Kayar
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Reclaiming the stories of the past

When My Beloved and I stopped speaking, it was because the woman who would later become his wife urged him to cut off communication.  We'd broken up over a year previously, and it didn't make sense to her that we were still so connected, still prone to ache over our separation and the strained conversations. And so he stopped. Just stopped. Stopped taking my calls and answering my emails. There was no explanation, no "Goodbye" communication. He just willed me out of his life, and ceased being a part of mine. Poof! Four miles away from me, and working for the same company, but he was gone. And knowing him as I did, and fearing further and more painful rejection, I did everything I could to respect his obvious desire to eliminate me from his life.  And here it where it gets interesting.

When we split up, he cut me out of his life, physically, but still carried me around in his pocket, as he says. He tells me that he mentioned me to others as a formative force in his life, etc. Though I was no longer physically a part of his life, I nevertheless remained a part of his life story.

But I dropped him from mine. I was aware of him physically, of where he lived and where he worked, and every time I crossed the street he lived on (almost daily) I wished him well. But I stopped speaking of him. Stopped thinking of him in personal terms. I told no stories of him. Carried nothing of him within me. His withdrawal was so sudden and so complete that there was nothing left behind--the memories of our seven years together were swept back from the shore of my life, carried off by the tide of emotion to waters that run very, very deep. The hordes of friends I made in Portland post-2000 never heard his name. They heard of MAR, who came before him, and SEK, who came after, and of my Dutchman and CAW, and MR in SF and even KR in Seattle. But never Him. Two close friends of mine have both told me how odd they think that is, that this man, My Beloved, has been missing from my personal narrative so completely that they'd no idea he'd even existed.

And when they each communicated this to me, I was reminded of something that Elie Wiesel once wrote in Gates of the Forest, something along the lines of "When a friend denies you it is worse than death; it is as if you never existed for him, or him for you." His denial of me seemed so complete to me, that it was as if he didn't exist, and neither did I -- In fact I re-created myself in the following years, even to the point of using different names: The one he knew me by was reserved for professional me, and I chose a new one for playful me, for the me I wanted to be.

In thinking about it, in thinking about him and me, I recognize that I wiped a very important person and several years from my life story, and it is time to write him back in. It is time to graft that branch back onto the trunk. The question is how? The difference in our ages (5+ years) means that I was more often the one imparting knowledge and lessons. I was the one who handed over books to read and confronted him with new experiences, who noticed his hubris and challenged his opinions. What did I learn from My Beloved? What did I take away from our relationship? I thought learned from him that I was lovable, that I was worthy of being loved--but the magnitude of his rejection obliterated that. I was left instead with a powerful need to apologize for being me. An apology he didn't have ears to hear. As I pick now over the jumble dotting the shore of my consciousness since he swept back into my life, I'm struggling to find a common thread, trying to find a way to string these random, disparate bits of memories and emotions into stories. Stories of us.

And I think I've found a way. He mentioned, after reading some of my erotic stories, that he thought some of them were about him/us. Nope. Not a single story. We lived together for 7 years, had sex every day, sometimes two and three times a day, and with all that material to work with, I never delved into those experiences, never drew from them. And I think... I think it is time to change that. It is time to open up to those memories and write some stories, naughty stories, about two people in their early twenties, exploring their sexuality with the exuberance that is born of love and adventure and acceptance.

Yes. I've some stories I can tell, and in the telling, return My Beloved to his rightful place in the story of my life -- and his.



Want more Silkenvoice?
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Kayar
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Friday, January 01, 2010

Polyamory: Know Thyself First

 Earlier today the friend of a friend sent me an email:
I am currently working on reading the second edition of The Ethical Slut... was wondering if you had any ideas of other books I could read on poly that are any good?
Here is my response:

Regarding polyamory and reading material -- I've not read *any* books on it and very little in the way of online material. I come to polyamory by nurturing -- my parents are poly and I lived communally until I was 10 or so. So I can't really recommend any reading material from personal experience of it. I actually own The Ethical Slut but I've not read it. Why? I found myself resisting reading it and after thinking about it, decided that I didn't want to influence my own innate understanding of it with someone else's attempt to explain it or persuade others to give it a try.

That said, I have read a bit of the Loving More site (http://www.lovemore.com/) with an eye toward being a contributing writer. My friends Y and his wife X run the Poly Circle Discussion Group (http://pcdg.portlandpoly.org/) and the books I know they recommend in addition to The Ethical Slut, are:
'Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful' (Ravenscroft)
'Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits' (Anapol)
'Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships' (Taormino)

I've met Tristan Taormino and she is a friend of Y. She comes to Portland often to speak, so I'd say to try her book next.

I can tell you that the tendency of society to insist that we chose one person to be all things to us creates a lot of unnecessary tension and stress. A lot of people get into that mode of feeling like they settled for someone, settled for Mr Right Now instead of Mr Right, or worse, withhold forming intimate bonds thinking they'll miss out on something better later on if they do.

I can also tell you that being self-honest is an absolute necessity. Self-inquiry and contemplation are practices that you are going to need to be comfortable with -- you can't really have healthy relationships with others until you've established one with yourself. In many ways we are each of us the biggest mystery to ourselves. We don't know why we do half the shit we do -- we just do it. Getting eye-level with your consciousness and being alert to your feelings and reactions helps resolve a lot of the self-sabotaging that goes on in each of us. I recommend meditation and journalling. We are blessed with being self-aware and each of us is a book-in-progress, so write your story, revise it, consider how things could be done differently in future situations, and outline the future chapters. We can live life intentionally, rather than accidentally.

Establishing good self-communication then makes it possible to have good communication in relationships. Especially poly ones. Jealousy is the biggest problem in any relationship, be it sibling, friend, colleague or partner. And the root of jealousy is issues with scarcity / abundance. Being self-aware and having good self-communication means we can often intercept the negative self-talk that arises as a result of feeling threatened by the prospect of scarcity / loss. Being able to share our feelings and thoughts with partners is both beautiful and necessary, so long as we learn to approach it in such a way that it is not a Blame Game. As soon as we make someone "wrong" or as soon as someone feels we are making them "wrong" we've lost the opportunity to communicate effectively.

My ex-girlfriend used to say "You made me do it" or "You make me feel like I'm crazy" and it really pushed my buttons when she did. If she could find a way to make something someone else's fault, she would. She lived her life as a victim, and last I heard, she still does. But not me! I accept responsibility for my thoughts and actions, and I recognize that in the arena of thoughts and actions, I have control. But I also know that feelings are feelings, that they are what they are and that they arise from deep within, and I honor them and recognize that while how I feel is *always* appropriate (because it is how I feel) -- I get to choose both what I think about how I am feeling *and* what I'm going to do about it -- and thus I am responsible for the outcomes. There is no escaping that, no matter how much I may want to deny it, and did live in denial of it -- ultimately I am responsible for my life, and being involved with others who also accept responsibility for their lives makes everything easier.

So basically, I guess what I am trying to say, is the best thing you can do is to make sure that you're in a good place with yourself. If you are healthy and happy and self-aware, then everything flows naturally from that place -- if you have a loving relationship with yourself love comes naturally, and the more you love the more love comes your way. From there it makes sense to keep expanding the circle of loved ones and exploring the various permutations of loving -- there is little to lose and much to gain.

Lastly, be aware... things change. Like the ocean, we ebb and flow. One day or week or month we may want to be free to love anyone and everyone, and then the next, we want someone all to ourselves. Some of it is tied to hormones, seasons, lunar cycle, and emotional rhythms. Some if it has to do with aspects specific to each person we are involved with. It is important to remember that how we feel and what we want is valid AND that what others feel and want is also valid. Sometimes the two (or three or four ;) are in conflict and that is ok. The "conflict" may be temporary or permanent but it is only an earth-shattering disaster if we choose to make it one. Giving ourselves room to feel the emotional intensity while not succumbing to the pressing urge to act now is a good pressure valve to develop.

I hope I don't sound too preachy. You may already have some or all of this down and if so, great. If not, that is cool, too. I mean no insult or injury in what I'm trying to communicate, only a desire for you to know love and happiness. I've learned to operate from the space that everyone is perfect, whole and complete just as they are while also understanding that most people just don't realize they are ;)

Want more Silkenvoice?
My AudioSensual CD: on iTunes or Amazon.com
My Erotic Audio Site: www.Audiosensual.com
My Silkenvoice Blog: Silkenvoice.blogspot.com
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Kayar
Silkenvoice: AudioSensual Erotic Shorts, Vol. 1

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